Herzfeuer

Activation miracle

2010-12-21T08:07:00.002+08:00

At Activation (Outreach), we were praying for anyone who wanted to grow taller. A student wanted prayer, so his friend sat him with his back against the chair and extended both legs so that they were horizontal and prayed. He started with both legs being the same length. First, the right leg was commanded to grow and it grew out by 3 inches (or possibly more). I first noticed his right foot sticking out 3-4 inches past the left foot so I hurried over to see. This student happened to be wearing shorts, so his legs could be clearly seen from the mid-thigh down. When I arrived, I saw that the right knee was obviously further out than the left knee (about 2-3 inches) and the right foot was about 3-4 inches further out than the left. (His thighs were together, so the 2-3 inches I'm referring to is the fact that the right thigh was now longer than the left, hence his knees being out of alignment.)

That was when many others began to notice what was happening and they all flocked over to watch (there were about 20 or so people gathered around). Then, the person praying for him commanded the left leg to grow out, and all of us watched as the left thigh grew out so that the left knee moved and came into alignment with the right and a lot of us freaked out (in a good way) and screamed in praise as we watched it happen.

The student later said that he was 5'11" and recently declared (as he talked with God) that he would be 6'1". So he got his prayer answer! =D By the way, I know these people and everyone was just as surprised when it happened. It was a very familiar setting, so there were no ulterior motives (eg. money or fame or attention etc...). I didn't even ask for the names of the students involved. This is just a simple eye-witness account for those of you who want first-hand information from me.

As it is

2010-12-14T10:11:00.000+08:00

Dug out this poem I wrote when I was 14 or 15. I think it was a good representation of the stuff that transpires within me...

As it is

the World,

for all that eyes have seen and ears have heard
the love and hate I know so well
the lesbians and gays who make life fun
the dreams of purest hearts
to nightmares of haunted murderers
the hierarchy of height among college boys
the hungers of dying African children
the lusts of billionaires
fresh furry cubs and kittens
pretty paper notes and roses
dainty coughs and sweet sneezes
laughter and embarrassment
bright green leaves
eternal omnipresent sky
dirty dull musty murky slums and bright sunny school-girls' neighbourhoods
nagging loving moms crazy dads siblings who always know to hog computers when you need it most
pretty superpowered heroes and heroines
fantasies paradises worlds that never were will never be
for love lost and found
lives given lives taken
cold carved stone fiery burning passionate desire tears of pearl and baby smooth skin jealousy and orgasm indescribable mindwrecking galaxies heavens abysses and soul
and most of all
for all the experiences thoughts stories

that make eyes darker
but lives richer

I love the life you've shed on me

The Puzzle of Successful Succession

2010-11-08T06:51:00.001+08:00

I have a sneaky feeling that the reason why I've not seen many succession success stories is that successful people frankly have no idea why they were successful. Well, they obviously think they DO know, but they just haven't met people who have fulfilled all the criteria they mentioned and yet failed. Otherwise, wouldn't it be simple to just find those same qualities in the next generation and pick a leader that does just as well as you or - better - surpasses you?

For instance, God attributed the most important thing about David to be the fact that he was a man after God's own heart. We, on hindsight, attribute it to his heart of worship. However, when he was grooming Solomon, he seemed to think it was wisdom... no wonder wisdom alone didn't allow Solomon to surpass David. I think Solomon was just coasting on David's success (temple, peace, riches and all), and this is seen in his failure to groom his own son Rehoboam (or perhaps he DID try to groom him, just that what he thought he did right was wrong) and also the fact that he married many wives, etc...

I think a huge puzzle in my life has been that of succession. I've not seen many organisations that had a superb leader, and then had a successor to that leader who did just as well (meaning he didn't just MAINTAIN the organisation, but grew it so that it outgrew what the first leader did, like the analogy of the first leader's ceiling being the next leader's floor).

If anyone knows of any such success stories of succession, do let me know!

Miraculous Japanese contraptions

2010-08-31T22:02:00.000+08:00

After having some durian today, Mom told Dad to "wash" his hands with a stainless steel "soap" bar. Normally, after using one's hands to eat this fruit called durian, there would be a pungent durian odour emitted from one's hands for a day or so. However, after using the stainless steel bar of "soap", the odour was significantly reduced. I even tried it for myself and it worked. Mom has tried it for fish and it worked too.
Apparently, it works for other pungent things like garlic or onion!
Check out Wiki for more details: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stainless_steel_soap

Mom had bought the bar of "soap" from DAISO, a Japanese 2-dollar shop. DAISO is not just a money-saving aid to me... every trip there is also an adventure and an expedition in which I frequently discover something new, whether it's new facts, concepts, designs or even solutions (to problems I never realised I had). They have really neat and sometimes weird stuff there. I guess it's all reflective of Japanese culture.

I guess even if the stainless steel solution to odours wasn't a Japanese thing, I doubt I'd have found out about the tip through any other source and I certainly don't think there'd be another shop out there selling a lump of stainless steel as "stainless steel soap".

Another mighty useful product is the "micropore" sponge. I'm really not sure what it's made of and whether the name "micropore" is a misnomer, but it scrubs stains and burnt material off steel pots like nothing else I've ever used, in a few strokes and applying relatively little strength. They sell a whole bar of it (about 1 foot long), enough to make 7-10 sponges, for just SG$2.

Musings

2010-08-24T22:36:00.000+08:00

Just a collection of some crystallised musings over the past few months...

Why do we have more faith in Adam's act of disobedience to give us a sinful nature than in Jesus' act of obedience to give us a righteous nature? Is Adam more powerful and effective than Jesus?

Healing is supposed to be the children's bread! Not occasional dessert. (Not sure if this came from Bill Johnson's book... )

Is satan's ability to propagate lies greater than God's ability to reveal truth? Let's not react to lies in fear, but respond to truth in love. How many times is the commandment "do not be deceived" found in the Bible? Conversely, how many more times is the commandment "do not fear" found in the Bible?
He who fears is a...lready deceived.

If you don't freely receive, you can't freely give. If you think you did something to earn what you receive, you'll expect something from those to whom you give. (And I suppose “earning” can take the form of “feeling bad”, being PROFUSELY thankful, being unusually nice, etc…)

If truth is a Person, then He is known primarily not with the head, but with the heart.

To be practical is to practise what you believe. It follows that a Christian's practicality should look very different from that of others. Jesus was the most practical man on earth - He multiplied food and walked on water.

Language Learning Tips

2010-08-24T21:51:00.003+08:00

I was commenting in reply to a blogpost (http://gakuranman.com/flutter-japanese-goods-home-giveaway/) on tips for language learning... and being the teacher that I am, it turned out to be an essay. So I thought I'd post it here for my own future reference.

Tips for learning language:

1) To sound most like a native, learn the language like you would learn a song to get the intonation right. This works well for getting accents right and is crucial in tonal languages like Chinese, where a difference in tone could mean a totally different (and sometimes offensive) thing! So whenever I learn another language (or just a phrase), I always try to remember the "tune" of the phrase, so even if I can't get some difficult parts of the pronunciation right (eg. still not good at rolling my "r" for languages like Espanol or Bahasa Indonesia), there's a higher chance of being understood. If I DO get the pronunciation right, I sound just like a native (at least for that phrase).

2) Tape record yourself and see how different you sound from a native, then change accordingly.

3) Try not to learn too quickly before you get your accent and pronunciation right. If you continue to practise with a wrong/unnatural accent or pronunciation, as the saying goes, practice doesn't make perfect... practice makes permanent. It'll be harder to shed a bad accent. If you just want to be fluent and have a deadline to meet, and you don't mind not sounding like a native, of course this wouldn't matter.

4) Don't practise by translating. For example, if I'm an English speaker trying to learn Japanese, I wouldn't practise (whether to improve grammar or vocabulary) by translating English passages into Japanese. This is because I would end up practising the bad expressions imported from literally-translated English... and since practice makes permanent, I'll have those bad English-imported expressions stuck in my head and will be more likely to use them more whenever I'm scrambling to express myself (which makes them more stuck in my head). Instead, construct essays / blog posts from scratch, using the grammatical forms and expressions that you have been taught or that you have observed from other native speakers. That way, you'll train yourself to be using Japanese (or whatever language you're learning) from the start and won't keep resorting to translation in your head. In other words,
Bad process: English sentence >> chop into segments >> translate each segment >> combine into Japanese sentence.
Good process: Start with the Japanese expressions you already know >> select appropriate ones >> insert appropriate vocabulary (with the help of a dictionary or maybe katakana !!!) >> and you already have your Japanese sentence without having to rearrange stuff.

5) With step 4 in mind, start thinking in that language! Translating is a bad way to learn a language, in my opinion. When you learn an new expression / grammatical form, just start applying it everywhere in your head.

I love you straightforwardly

2010-04-01T09:37:00.003+08:00

God's been bringing this poem to mind... He's saying it over me... especially the last two stanzas.

Cien Sonetos de Amor (100 Love Sonnets) by Pablo Neruda
XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Original version in Spanish, for those who're interested:

No te amo como si fueras rosa de sal, topacio
o flecha de claveles que propagan el fuego:
te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras,
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.

Te amo como la planta que no florece y lleva
dentro de sí, escondida, la luz de aquellas flores,
y gracias a tu amor vive oscuro en mi cuerpo
el apretado aroma que ascendió de la tierra.

Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde,
te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:
así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera,

sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres,
tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía,
tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño.

Love Song from God

2010-03-18T09:01:00.005+08:00

First introduced to me by Evan a couple of years back, but God's just singing it over me this season. ♥ Of course not EVERY word applies, but the heart behind it, and some specific lines blew my heart away. If you'd like it too, it's also for you!

Don't go changing, to try and please me;
You've never let me down before.
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore.

I would not leave you in times of trouble;
We never could have come this far.
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times;
I'll take you just the way you are.

Don't go trying some new fashion.
Don't change the color of your hair.
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care.

I don't want clever conversation;
I never want to work that hard.
I just want someone that I can talk to;
I want you just the way you are.

I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew.
What will it take till you believe in me
The way that I believe in you.

I said I love you and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are.

Tasting Destiny

2010-03-14T06:17:00.002+08:00

Wow, I've not posted in such a long time... guess over the past few months, I've been in a place where I neither knew what was going on within me nor without. And I didn't know what to make of my past, present or future. And I didn't know what to do, or if I was doing anything wrong. And I couldn't conjure up my desires. Thinking definitely didn't help. Eventually, thank God, I came to a place where I was fine with all that, because I knew I'd be fine, not because of what I did (and I KNOW I made some really bad choices), but because God is God. Ok, that summarises the past few months.

Now on to Brazil... pretty much the most amazing trip of my life. I think only CM2007 could compare to that, but that was completely different. It really put my emotional accounts back in the black =) (I'd been telling people that I was only breaking even for weeks.)

1) God's glory... We had the chance to minister in churches, in ghettos, on the streets and even to the cops (unexpectedly). I saw a lady who had a leg 3cm shorter than the other have her leg grown out by God. Another lady who'd had scars in both eyes since birth saw clearly for the first time. Watching her joy and wonder was a huge reward. Of course many others were healed, but those two impacted me the most because of their response of sheer joy. We saw God change lives and heal wounds through prophetic words... but the best memory for me was watching a small church in a ghetto area shrug off the oppression and rise up in spontaneous joy, singing, hooting and dancing, then fall out in holy laughter under the power of God.

2) God showed me again how personal He is. As many of you know, I love the Japanese language, although I'm not all that proficient at it. Turned out that the main church we ministered in used to be one that catered to the Japanese in Sao Paulo... so I met many Japanese people. One lady even by-passed the Portuguese translator to speak to me in Japanese when she found out that I could understand. That was really amazing. There were so many other things that were extremely personal to me on this trip... it's hard to describe how without going into detail, but so many things were ridiculously FAMILIAR to me: thrilling multi-partied car rides, amazing Brazilian friends that reminded me of friends/family back home, dancing to familiar songs in familiar ways, etc... I felt like I was Home.

3) It's like I stepped into some of my childhood dreams for those 8 days. Amongst the Brazilian family in Christ, I met the dream team of my - well, dreams. Haha. All super anointed and capable in their area... passionate God-lovers, united in love, and covering multiple spheres of influence in society. There was also that sense of adventure and smell of danger that I absolutely needed, because Sao Paulo is apparently one of the most dangerous cities in the world (?)... because we were nearly robbed, etc... Not that we were actually in any real danger, but just being in that environment made me feel strangely good. And for the past few months, I've been longing to see the streams of real discipleship and extreme supernatural power combined... and I found that in an inter-church organisation in Brazil called Dunamis.

4) On the plane ride back, God gave me a glimpse of how parts of my destiny came together... this gave me a continuous adrenaline rush throughout the flights... stomach kept churning and I had absolutely no appetite that day. The last time this happened, God brought it to pass. I'd love to think that this is true too. As for the details, you'll have to ask me personally. ^_~

5) God showed me how in tune with Him I am and how much I operate with an awareness and knowledge of who He is. This makes my happiness shoot through the roof. This is intimacy lived and enjoyed.

How He Loves Us

2009-10-18T08:03:00.002+08:00

He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.
Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.

Yeah, He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves.

So we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes.
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking.
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest.
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way...

That he loves us,
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves

Rocky Roads

2009-09-29T02:18:00.002+08:00

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New Adventures...
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On Saturday, we went hiking... on a really rough & rocky trail that led us to a log that was SWARMING with lady bugs! Then we continued hiking for another 2 hours to see some water falls. Then we went to a nearby lake to swim. Our wonderful friends picked us up from our dorm, provided all the snacks, drinks and a really neat picnic lunch and drove us back! Pictures are on facebook.

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The Process of Growing...
========================

This week was one of ups and downs. The school hasn't really started us on the syllabus proper (about spiritual gifts etc...) besides the Bible reading because they're still laying down a foundation of our identity in Christ. There were a couple of messages about facing the giants (of fear, pride, deception, strife, compromise, etc...) in our lives, processing pain and so on. Our pastors have been sharing VERY personal stuff about their hurts, which not only made the principles come alive but also set the precedence for deep and open sharing amongst Bethel students and kick-started a safe, intimate and caring environment. Bethel really isn't just about what they teach us... it's about about whom we're journeying with.

So yeah, God seems to have partially brought up an issue in my life about how I keep comparing with people. I still have no idea why I keep doing so even though I try to keep those thoughts away. And one of the three prophetic words over me was that I shouldn't compare with others (even though I really didn't tell that person what I was going through). So yes, you can keep me in prayer about this... this giant's rearing it's head and I'm gonna slay it soon!

========================
New lessons learnt...
If it's too long, just read whatever you want to. It's in order of importance to me.
========================

1. Kris Vallotton (somewhat paraphrased): Sinner = PROFESSIONAL at sinning. Saint = holy believer. You WERE a sinner but once you're saved, you're not even a sinner saved by grace, you're a SAINT. You CAN sin, but it's in your nature NOT to, but to do good. If you believe you're a sinner, you'll sin by faith. There's no arrogance in saying that because I didn't make me a saint. See 2 Cor 5:17, Eph 4:22-24, 1 Cor 2-16, 2 Peter 1:4
One huge reason why people still struggle with sin is because they have faith that they are still sinners, compelled to sin, with a sin nature... and they become what they envision! But we're born again, born of the Holy Spirit... how can the Holy Spirit give birth to our spirit that still has a sinful nature?
So face it, you were born to rock!

1 Corinthians 2... Verses 9 and 16 are in quotes because they're from the Old Testament. But it says at the end, "we have the mind of Christ." Therefore things previously not revealed have been revealed to you. You aren't just led by the Spirit... you have the mind of Christ. It's in your nature to think like God (because God changed your nature). [Note: This may not apply if you haven't yet claimed His promise for yourself.]

Sometimes you wish you were like David, or like Abraham, or like Joseph or Daniel. But you don't EVER want to be like them. Matthew 11:11 says that the least in the Kingdom of Heaven is greater than John the Baptist, who was greater than anyone in the Old Testament. So even the least of you are greater than David or Joseph or Daniel, because we don't have the sin nature anymore. We not only got a new spirit that has God's nature when we were born again, we also received the Holy Spirit, so we have an advantage over Adam.

2. Bernie Ooley: When God restores, He never restores it back to what it was... He always makes it better! (eg. Job)

3. The World Aflame by Rick Joyner: As we mature, [God] would rather us use our own judgment most of the time... The first century apostolic teams were not led around by the hand; they were *sent* by God. They used their own judgment most of the time because they had His mind.
Kris Vallotton: God is looking for a Bride... a Proverbs 31 woman who can consider a field and buy it. He's not looking for a slave girl.

4. Kris Vallotton: When Jesus said, "Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's and to God the things that are God's", He was also talking about a dual citizenship... you are citizens of heaven NOW even as you are citizens of earth, just like Paul was both a Roman citizen and concurrently a citizen of heaven. You have dual citizenship. Therefore, don't live from earth towards heaven. You are already seated in heavenly places (Eph 2:6). Live from heaven towards earth.

5. Dann Farrelly, M. Div.:
All supernatural and natural experience must be measured by the Truth as revealed in God's Word.
It is a false goal to attempt a balance between truth and power as if they were opposite each other. We want to be very truthful with the Bible and very powerful.
Truth is a Person, not merely a set of ideas.

6. Bernie Ooley: If you get a promise from the Lord, you need to ponder it in your heart like Mary and keep believing so that the baby (what was promised) isn't miscarried.

Finally, the House of God!

2009-09-15T05:05:00.002+08:00

Safely in Redding! So much to thank God for...

1) SOOO many people sent us off! I really didn't expect it! I was really humbled. At the same time, I felt it was God's promise and a herald of the great things that are to come to Singapore. There were people from church, Crusade, medicine... so most denominations were represented, with church & para-church people, marketplace & clergy, disciples, friends/peers and mentors. I was overwhelmed by both the people and by God. Here's thanking all of you my friends! Thanks for the catch-ups & phone calls before I left! Thanks for coming down to see me off, especially those who were very busy, live in Bt Batok or very SICK (pastor felt very unwell but still came down!). Thanks for the gifts, the hugs, the smiles, the prayers! I was REALLY very touched!
2) My parents nearly couldn't get on the flight to Redding, because it was overbooked and the travel agent in Singapore somehow didn't confirm their seats! But thank God they got on.
3) The hand-carry in which I put my laptop fell off the cab (the boot wasn't closed properly) while it was moving, but thank God it still works fine! And thank God it fell off before we hit the freeway! So the driver could secure it.

Other miscellaneous thanksgiving: we saw a rainbow! Although it was very faint. The 10-hour tour in Japan was really great... got to see many things at Narita City. Immigration/customs went smoothly, none of our baggage was lost. We managed to shop on the first day and settle in well.

So I'm finally in Redding. On Sunday, we went to Bethel Church... finally in the House of God (Beth = house; El = God; Bethel = House of God). Enjoying every bit of it... the weather, the campus, the food, the church, the student binder, the topics we'll be studying, etc... especially the people! They rave about what God's done at a simple lounge conversation. People mugging the Bible & Christian books together in the student lounge. Lunch conversations are all about what God's been doing etc... it's really cool... I've been dreaming of such a culture for some time. They're so hungry for the move of God.

More about where I stay... I live in the dorm of a Christian university. It's really cool to be on a campus with banners flying around with the school motto "Focus on Christ". Of the people in the same hall, 50 or so are also Bethel students and 2 are studying in some seminary nearby. They've been really nice, offering rides, helping us with our luggage, etc. Last night I put clothes into the wash and forgot to get it when it was done. Another student helped me put it into the drier and paid for it. 3 meals are provided everyday... really good quality food and great variety with many healthy options. Nice cool weather, cute birds (look like swallows, but not sure), maple trees and willows... maple leaves just starting to fall, but mostly still green. Can't wait for them to turn red! The admin is really friendly and has 2 really cute daughters who keep tagging along with her (2 & 4 years old I think). And I like my room! Evan & I have our own sink, and we share our toilet with the adjoining room, so it's 4 people to a toilet, which is a really good arrangement compared to my hall in London where the toilet was down the corridor!

More about Bethel Church... it's on a hill. The road up the hill is called "Avenue of the Nations" and they've got flags of all the different nations. There's a prayer house outside the church and a little forest trail with national flags scattered along it for prayer / quiet time. One lady just approached us after the service asking us if she could "shoot some Holy Spirit" to us (ie pray for us) and as she prayed, I felt God telling me to "just rest" and not strive in expectation to receive from Him. After she prayed, she seemed to pick up that Evan & I were at peace and remarked so.

About registration for school... we've got a really nice name tag with a barcode (for us to scan in attendance... they record our absences and tardies and are very strict on it!)... they gave us a binder with all the notes inside, nice printed cover page with our names, dividers, etc... and also took profile pics of us. All in all, the admin & online school network are great... better than most institutions I've been to. The most impressive, however, was meeting up with our revival group pastor & helpers. (At BSSM, we have revival groups of 60-70 people and small groups of 3-5 people.) The revival group pastor & helpers prayed over us before we came and as they looked at our faces, they wrote on a card the prophetic words that came to their minds as they looked at our application picture. I got my card yesterday. The words were: joy, leaves, necklace, new song. So we'll see what happens this year!

That's all for now, before I bore people. Trying to keep updates short & frequent so people can follow easily. There's much else I wanna blog share with you, but this one's not short anymore! Pictures on facebook.

All my vision

2009-02-28T00:24:00.003+08:00

I've not journalled or blogged in quite a while... mainly because I'm not quite sure about what's going on inside and I don't know what to make of or do about it.

Anyway, Palliative has moved me. It's a discipline that really reflects God's mercy and compassion... offering patients who are at the end of their lives all the care, attention and dignity, regardless of what kind of lives they led, just because they were born. Patients who might normally be labelled "full of nonsense" in other disciplines, and whom the nurses would really find bothersome, are given much attention and understanding, so that even if their lousy mood can't be helped, the healthcare workers are very understanding and supportive. In most disciplines, people wait for the patient to bring up problems before they solve them. But here, they anticipate what the patient might go through and pursue the patients, trying to help even when the patient never expected it. The doctors who choose this profession are, as expected, all of a certain kind that makes a very warm and encouraging environment for the team too.

I've a dear friend who's also doing Palli, but in another hospital. She was even moved to tears on many occasions. I find myself unable to respond that way. I guess I am touched in one way or another when I meet the dying patients, but somehow, death doesn't make me that sad. Perhaps it's tragic LIVES that I mourn over. I wasn't very moved when I saw vegetative patients at community hospitals or unresponsive end-stage renal patients... perhaps because they didn't appear to be suffering to me. But I was quite horrified as I watched a double above-knee amputee getting her infected stumps dressed... and she was screaming and crying all the while. So perhaps evinced suffering gets to me more than inevitable events like death.

At least, that's what I think. I'm still trying to figure out my weird responses... why I can cry over a particularly tragic anime character even just upon hearing a snippet of the background music of that series, but seem totally cold when a patient drops dead in front of me.

Perhaps another part of it is whether I can perceive any feasible way that I can help the situation at all. When people are dead, or when most of the harm is already done, I tend to feel that it's tragic but curb any further emotion because, after all, there's nothing I can do. Either that, or I tend to think that there are so many such people going through these tragedies that if I were to just spend my time helping each individual, I wouldn't even make a dent against all the tragedies in the world. But perhaps, if I influenced others towards this cause, there would be spiritual multiplication and that should be a better solution than allowing my time to be taken up by spiritual addition. I also tend to be moved when there is much potential for the situation to be turned around... especially when the patient is young, or is bright and alert and can understand what I'm saying.

It's only a week before I leave for Agape Rural Programme... so I'll be in Philippines for 7 weeks. My Dad just mentioned this morning that the crime rate is rising even here and the government recently recruited 1000 police and security officers. This is likely the trend as we slip into a deeper recession and even depression proper... how much more in places like the Philippines and India. So he was concerned for my safety but also acknowledged that God was in control. I am quite apprehensive... I know Singapore will undergo tangible changes while I'm away... I'm kinda already mourning the loss of the opportunity to see people and places through this change at least over the next few months. Going through the process of change one step at a time should be easier to cope with than entering fully into the change suddenly. There are also many things I want to prepare for in the event of a depression, but I'm not sure if it would have happened by the time I come back to Singapore, so I'm spending some of my free time running those errands now.

I feel a strange stirring in my spirit. On one hand, a deep conviction and knowledge that we'll all face the greatest adventure in a century, or even since the book of Acts... or even since Genesis, because the latter rain will be greater than the former. So I'm feeling a bit uprooted emotionally, bracing myself for any kind of change, even the most drastic ones, knowing that many aspects of life will change for the first time since I was born. On the other hand, I know this kind of situation is something that I was born for... that a huge part of my destiny in God is interwoven in this volatility.

And I've been telling people that my horizon is only as far as the end of May, because after that, I have no idea if I will still be alive, or in Singapore, or studying Medicine, or still the same Joanne who struggles with self so painfully and bemoans the lack of the idealism and loftiness of God that I so believe in shining through for all to see in this world. I don't know if I won't come back looking like Jesus as He healed the multitudes... if I'll come back baptised with FIRE and the Holy Spirit, living out Mark 16:17-18. I don't know what family life will look like... of course, it might not change at all, but somehow, something inside tells me it'll change in huge ways... I'm believing, wonderful ways. In other words, after May, I've absolutely no template of life to even take as a rough estimation of what it will look like.

So for now, it's really "Be Thou my vision"... let my vision be You, the whole of You, and nothing but You.

25 Random Things tag

2009-01-30T00:35:00.003+08:00

Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you!

Hm, I received one "16 Random Things" tag and one that required 25... so I'll just answer the 25 things once. =D

1. When I was a kid, my parents were pointing to a birthmark on my brother's body. His name is, well, Mark. So I pointed to a birthmark on my forearm and quipped, "Birthjoanne!"

2. On one occasion, when I was 4-6 years old, when I didn't get my way, I pee-ed in my pants and all over the floor in rebellion against my Mom. She was well read-up on parenting books though, and knew perfectly well how to ignore me until I came back to her penitent, crying and with apologies.

3. I used to bully a (small-framed) boy when I was in Primary 1-3. Not something I'm proud of. It was quite bad... don't wanna describe here but if you're really itching to find out you can ask me personally. I always got away scott-free. Once, he cried and the teacher seemed to know perfectly well what was going on, but she just told me to, "Stop it," and left it at that without punishing me. It was really God's grace that somehow the bullying streak stopped and I wasn't caught. I don't even know why I bullied. Either William Golding who wrote Lord of the Flies was right, or it was because I was the youngest of the family and my misbehaviour was sometimes dealt with by anger outbursts instead of reasoning with me. (But my parents are really really good parents... not primarily their fault! But I guess it must have contributed to it.)

4. I want to get an LG Ice Cream phone when my current contract is up. For now.

5. It is very easy for me to relax... I can get happy just looking at my toes.

6. I still play with my soft toys. I have a hippo called Winkie that I play with regularly. He perches atop a mini-bolster on my bed and watches me sleep every night. He used to be able to say, "I love you," in 5 languages... but for some strange reason he lost his voice when he went to Vietnam and has never spoken again since! T_T Must have been the stupid X-ray scanning machine at the airport.

7. I'm a very cheap person to feed... I like all the cheapest stuff like potatoes, eggs, corn and tofu. I don't like (but don't dislike either) seafood except for fish. I can appreciate expensive fare like steak of course, just that I'd be very happy eating stuff available at vegetarian stalls. On a number of occasions, my Dad asked me if I'd gone vegetarian after I bought a plate of tofu, pumpkin and cabbage from a mixed vegetable rice stall.

8. Music fandom for me is not by genre, but by singer or composer. My favourites so far include Utada Hikaru, Sarah Brightman, Marty J Nystrom (gospel music) and Iwasaki Taku (Jap composer).

9. I grew up an extrovert, became an introvert, and am now swinging between the two.

10. I am not a random person. I tend to see trends and think along threads. That's why I'm having a tough time coming up with 25 random facts, because when I review the "facts", it sounds more like a detailed introduction of who I am rather than a "random" collection.

11. I am most eloquent in my thoughts when I am in the bathroom. Unfortunately, I like to take my time in the bathroom and hence forget most of what I think by the time I settle down into bed to journal them down.

12. I've always had an idea about what I would want to do for the rest of my life... and it hasn't changed... and it does not include being a doctor.

13. Sleep is a relatively productive time for me... I process emotions and thoughts through dreams. Or rather, I feel God helps me process them while I sleep.

14. I really believe I would be a Hitler or dead due to suicide if I wasn't born in a Christian family and in a church that believes in God's power for signs and wonders.

15. I've been looking for mentors or disciplers all my life.

16. My first real crush was a 21-year-old guy when I was 12 years old. I sent an email to him professing a crush on a guy, not saying directly that it was him but describing him exactly. I never got a reply. I'm surprised I had so much guts.

17. I don't think I'll be in Singapore for long periods of my time... like 4-6 years in one country at a time. It's just a sense I've had for some time... maybe over the last 5 years?

18. I don't like moles... I think it's because my Dad expressed pleasure every time he mentioned that I was born spotless (that "birthjoanne" came only later and subsequently faded). So I'm wondering how I can get the mole on my lip removed.

19. I'm a very curious thing. I question everything... but I've learnt that questioning God just makes me miserable.

20. I'm a hedonist by nature. It coincides with Christianity because the pursuit of God brings the greatest real pleasure... maybe not in the short term, but it's like investments... you gotta give up some capital first in order to get more back in future.

21. I tend to accept people's deaths in a matter-of-fact manner... I tend to imagine what would happen when people are dead while they are still alive and end up processing the grief pre-emptively. Seems morbid, but I feel it helps me appreciate people better while they are alive... which is really the point.

22. In many discussions, I tend to argue for the point of view that is not well-represented. Often, I don't believe that point of view... but I guess most of the time I hope people will understand that they don't know as much as they think they do. When I was in church, I would imagine what an atheist would say to everything and counter everything the pastor says, then think of counter arguments for everything that the imaginary atheist would say, then go back and forth until I came to a resolution. But too bad, I can't quite remember the whole thought process to benefit others. All I remember is that it completely doesn't make sense to be an atheist.

23. I think stupid people tend to think others are more stupid than them, and smart people tend to think others are smarter. I think it's always wise to consider that there's always a lot that you don't know, and that there are always many more possibilities than you can possibly imagine (and this is true in 99.99999999999999999999999% of things I'm sure).

24. I'm fine when I look down from heights, but not fine when I look up at high things (eg. the ceiling of the Suntec Convention Center) or the Millenia walk ceiling at those places that rise like chimneys. It seems when I look up, I get so focused on that place that I forget I'm standing on the ground, and I'll suddenly feel like I'm right up there on the ceiling and could drop any second.

25. I like to try new things. If there's some dish I've never seen before, I'll usually end up ordering it. Much of the ice cream I eat are weird flavours... including pumpkin, spinach, potato, sweet potato and chestnut. I'll try it especially if I can't imagine what it tastes like.

It is finished

2009-01-23T01:45:00.003+08:00

Recently, I was at Borders browsing books. I stumbled upon a book on Mother Teresa's life and letters to her spiritual directors, Come be my light. Some things that she wrote about God appalled me...

"The place of God in my soul is blank. There is no God in me. When the pain of longing is so great I just long and long for God and then it is that I feel He does not want me, He is not there."

When I read about her life, I get the feeling that she is so holy and such a "poor thing" and God is a jerk. I'd think that God is so cruel... the better a person is, the more he suffers in the deepest sense of the word. Mother Teresa seemed so self-sacrificing and God seemed harsh and demanding... someone who walks out on you. I'd think that Mother Teresa deserved a better guy than God.

Now let me state for the record that I absolutely believe that God is the best guy to marry... by far.

It is very sad that this was the final testimony Mother Teresa gave of God. I certainly hope my life would portray something more similar to what Paul the Apostle portrayed in his letters, or what Bill Bright portrayed in his life... that to walk with Christ makes me the richest and most joyful person. I hope that when people read my autobiography, if ever, God would be the amazing humble Saviour who suffered and bore with so much of my crap, and I the jerk who was eventually and incredibly changed by Him.

Another thought was that she was in such agony, and she thought that God abandoned her. As I read her letters, I had no doubt that she was saved, but that God was heartbroken over how much she had to suffer for lack of assurance of her salvation. I certainly know how heartbroken He is over my self-absorbed pits, during which I thought that I was a martyr suffering for Him and thinking that I was all alone or that God was being nasty to me. God cried with me during those times, and I SO know He did too for Mother Teresa though she didn't believe it. In a sense, I'm glad for her that she died no later than she did. I believe if her living longer meant her torment worsening, God would also really want her back with Him, assured that she IS saved and in His arms. A priest wanted to perform an exorcism on her when her health was ailing, thinking that it was some demonic work. I actually think it was probably God's grace on her.

The final important thing I took home was the importance of being assured that we are saved... the importance of knowing that there is absolutely no way we can ever pay for our sins. Mother Teresa wrote about wanting to bear some of Jesus' suffering for Him, or something to that effect. It is lofty, but reveals a flawed theology. Jesus already said that His work on the cross is finished. There is nothing we can add to or subtract from it. He has paid the full price. He does not take reimbursements from us because what we can offer is less than negligible. We should not be too proud to think that we could EVER HOPE to pay Him back!! Humility lies in recognising that we are wretched and helpless and unable to pay for our sins... recognising that IN SPITE OF OUR SINS God loves us enough to die for us, and He rejoices over us! We are saved by grace THROUGH FAITH, not by works! In 1 John, the purpose of his letter was THAT we may know that we have eternal life! We CAN know that we have eternal life! Of course there is suffering, but for a different purpose! The suffering we experience is not a punishment or for sharing the load with Jesus... it's for intimacy with God, for maturity and for our benefit.

(Can you imagine... she may actually have "added to" God's agony because His heart was broken over her! And if I were in God's shoes, I'd bewail the fact that she put my work on the cross to shame and futility for her because it was paid for already but she didn't accept the gift. Isaiah 53 says that He already bore our griefs and sorrows! Goodness, why do we tend to bear them all over again?)

No wonder Bill Bright was so recognised for condensing the lesson of Assurance of salvation into a form that even elementary school kids can understand! And yet even saints who win a Nobel Peace Prize might not grasp it even at the end of their lives. I'm so glad I don't have to work my butt off to ensure that I'm saved... firstly because I believe I never could do that and secondly because it would be sheer torment to be saved and not know it.

God is not a jerk, my friends. His saints often misrepresent Him. (Since I'm a saint, so do I.) Don't believe any report that portrays the saint as better than his/her God, not even mine of course. (The most tricky testimonies are those in which the saint TELLS us that God is good, but through his life SHOWS that God isn't. It leaves us thinking that the saint is so holy because in spite of all the shit God throws at him, he still clings on to God.) We are saints not because we are good, but because we are saved and have received so much grace.

Other details about my thoughts on Mother Teresa's letters...

1. What she says is completely not true.
Hebrews 13:5 tells us God will never leave nor forsake us.
2 Corinthians 4:8-9 says, "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."
Hebrews 12 tells us that there is a great cloud of witnesses telling us that God is faithful. Jesus is the Author and Finisher of our faith.
Psalm 23 clearly tells us that the Lord is our Shepherd and WE SHALL NOT WANT.

2. I know of so many who have completed the race (or are nearing the end) and talk about the endless joys of knowing Jesus. Take Bill Bright for example. His video on, "I wouldn't change a thing" made posthumously was so inspiring. Ok granted, that wasn't in his own words. But reading his books on God's character and surrender, and assurance of salvation etc... is a testament to God's faithfulness and the joys of knowing Him. Smith Wigglesworth, John Graham Lake, Billy Graham and so on talk about how amazing it is to know Jesus... firstly that He can be known and enjoyed and secondly that they absolutely do not regret following Him.
In the book Come be my light, they mention a number of other revered saints who experienced similar dark nights of the soul, during which they feel that God has abandoned them. If it was temporary, then I would say it was different from Mother Teresa's to begin with. If it was protracted, I must say that there is no biblical example to prove that it is God's appointed experience for people. Paul was full of joy. David's trials were long, but his "dark night of the soul" was short-lived as seen in the Psalms and in his life. And from the examples that were quoted in that book, I must say that a lot of these saints come from a branch of Christianity that practically believes that salvation requires good works in addition to faith.

Enjoying the run

2008-12-31T16:25:00.003+08:00

I think the runs have been a reflection on what God was teaching me each year. Last year, every bit of the way was difficult... and I was frustrated with the lack of distance markers, frustrated with the long distance I still had to go. Looking back at the last blog post of 2007, I really did mention that I couldn't wait to get out of the tough times, even though on hindsight I did treasure them. This year, over all, while it was still difficult, I enjoyed the process of running so much, that in spite of the longer distance, I felt that I could still go on after it ended (and I did!)... enjoyed it so much that the week after the run, I dreamed of it with fondness as I dozed off during lecture (in much the same way as one dreams of a particularly happy vacation after it has ended and the dreariness of school comes crashing down upon him). So I really learned to enjoy the process it seems.

This year was one of losing my vision of myself, people, situations and the future, but of gaining my vision of Jesus. At so many points of time, in so many situations, I couldn't see what was ahead. But I learned to look upon Him. Most importantly, in the midst of this "lostness", I have learned to be content and happy with God... He is my Lot and my Inheritance. He is enough. I guess it's really as Psalm 23 says... the Lord is my shepherd. I really do not need to know the path ahead, because He leads and guides me. I have no fear that I will fall off the ledge or stray, because He puts forth His staff and steers this bumbling sheep back into the fold.

For the past 2 years, I would blog about my impression of the coming year. It was mostly right... this year WAS a year of upheavals outwardly, and much change. But amazingly and incredibly, it was one of being stilled inside... peace amidst the storm, like Jesus slept in the boat while the storm raged outside. But I guess for this year, it's not so much an impression about it that I wanna blog about as opposed to a decision... a decision to trust in His promise. I will choose to trust that I will enjoy next year with Him...

Now on to the yearly lists...

Events
- Harvest Rally, unexpected things & lessons learnt from it
> Liked it that WT, Chris, Evan & I connected on a spiritual point
- Sat in an ambulance & watch people die (E-med)
- Settling down at All Saints' Church English
- Kz Trip (missed Sundown!)
- GoForth Missions Conference
- God grew my heart for the persecuted church.
- Delivered a baby.
- Global recession and many spiritual & personal implications
- Medicine-Science merge reversed
- I'm mostly healed of constipation! And I've lost some weight in spite of eating till full quite a lot of the time. Thanks God!
- YP asked me to back-up sing. Yay!
- God made up for Sundown.
- MyHope Singapore party.

Spiritual Encounters & People
- Philip Huan's word for me
- Getting to know the new MMR - Celine & Ray
- Much precious time with Mon & Chris
- Speaking to Catherine, missions mentor at GoForth Missions Conference
> God's answer on settling down in All Saints'
- Paeds: Suhui & anorexia, Ariel
- Tracy, Cherm
- New SM: Joanne
- Prayer session with Ann Bowman
- YK telling me that she was praying for me... even crying on occasion
- Things in the family have improved... I really love them & love spending time with them!
- My DG girls are really growing. Differently, and not as expected, but surely.
- ZZ coming in to Medical.
- Benita for just being there.
- LB, for so much of God's faithfulness and love coming through her

Lessons
- Discipleship is very personal... not a cookie-cutter process of raising disciples, but very different journeys with each. Much of the time taken is simply spent listening to God telling me more about each person.
- Love is not just about showing love... what is seen should be just the tip of the iceberg if it's to be of any substance. Oh I don't know how to explain... but mainly, God gave me a sense of this lesson as I wrapped presents.
- When God puts you as shepherd over this flock, other speakers or "Reverends" who have nothing to do with this flock (eg. from another organisation) do not have more authority over this flock than you do.
- Over many quarrels and bad moods, I have grown very sick of my "flesh" indeed. I think God has grown my love somewhat from my hate of being self-absorbed.
- Prayer is really the most important thing about any meeting... not planning... no matter how important planning seems to be at the moment!! Really, really!

Ok, that's not at all comprehensive, but it'll have to do... better than nothing. I hope to also get down to writing out prayer requests and resolutions for the new year, whether here or in my journal.

Side note
Although I've thought many times that I don't want to practise medicine after I graduate, I am really glad that He's put me here. I've thought of many possible reasons why I had to study in medicine and nowhere else... one of them is that few other courses besides medicine would have put me through the tremendous pressure of so many voices competing for my attention and so many 'priorities' competing for my time. And together with all the ministry changes, it was one of the most efficient ways to put me through the roughest patch I could imagine, short of a loved one dying or being shipped off to some war-torn country. And what better way to learn rest and trust than in the midst of a most strenuous period, demanding much concentration and hard work for the immediate and with many difficult issues clouding the long term view. In the midst of the most stressful periods, I learned to rest... and I really rested and was at peace. God showed me this through O&G... to my surprise!

Psalm 23
The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD
Forever.

Renovation

2008-12-25T01:20:00.004+08:00

On the 24th, on the MRT, I was reading Renovation of the Soul in Daily Practice and it asked me to consider what image I had of God, because that would really affect my behaviour and could be the root cause of my inability to be completely like Him - totally loving and holy.

And as I thought of it, God gave me such a wonderful revelation of Who He is. A tender-hearted Father who has chosen to make Himself our lover, who pursues and is jilted time and again, but gives and gives of Himself, bleeding all the way, in spite of the fact that He could have forced all of us to worship Him and already had the worship of almost every other creature. Hm... not a very eloquent decription of that rhema moment I had on that train. But yeah, it gave me a huge high for the rest of the day. Lord, You are so wonderful... You've filled my life with so much love and joy... and it's just because I've chosen my own way, chosen to listen to lies and not believe You, that I've been miserable. Even those times when it hurt so badly were precious, because then Your presence was so real and I was so secure and in the midst of hurt, I actually had the privilege of experiencing the deepest joys I'd ever known.

I heard a Christmas song a few days back about how times and places change but feelings never do. If this week was any indication, feelings are fleeting! I feel like a wreck because of a quarrel, but after I go to sleep and submit it to God, I have no idea why it mattered so much to me the night before and easily apologise. Some weeks I notice that I feel better during the day and terrible at nights... almost like feelings follow some circadian rhythm. And what seemed like the end of the world at the moment, 5 years later looks like a stroke of genius from God... and after acknowledging the grace that God gives for long enough, even the negative emotions associated with the memory are healed and the memory becomes a treasured one that brings me peace.

Even precious memories can be a mirage. It's common knowledge that bad and traumatic memories are often suppressed... or facts that we want to blind ourselves to are often forgotten. So what we thought was reality might really just have been a self-constructed Truman world, only we were the ones who built this world for ourselves.

Nothing doesn't change, except God. We'll change too... either into the image of Christ if we keep following Him or into an utter horror if we keep following our ugly desires. And we can't be certain of any reality except God.

So I hope this Christmas you'll let Him renovate your soul, and dig out all the empty facades and stacks of hay and wood that will not last, and wash you and replace it with gold and precious stones. Well, Merry Christmas! Follow That Star!

Internal Affairs

2008-12-23T01:47:00.007+08:00

I've been reading the Caitlin series (Diary of a Teenage Girl)... and I realise that she journals a lot about other people's lives... enough to turn it into a story book for youths. I on the other hand journal almost exclusively about myself. And if I do mention other people it's cos of its effects on me. How self-absorbed can I get.

But God is so merciful. This Christmas has been really great for me so far. Managed to catch Agapella's free performance at the Esplanade, which made me really high because of the quality of music... but most importantly because of how it helped me to meditate on how wonderful Jesus is. I bought their CD... and I absolutely loved it. They did Testify to Love and We Are The Reason. And for the first track "Follow That Star" was a vocal imitation of a saxophone that sounded really authentic. It was cheap... only $10! The track "Internal Affairs" below is the last track on the CD... a little parody of a worldview without God. Ok, it doesn't cover every argument, but the analogy does make a point and the voice acting was cute.

Then I caught Weiteen's performance called "A King's Love". It really helped me see the Gospel story in a whole new light... in a very powerful way. It left my heart soaring on the wings of His love. And while very few turned up for my Christmas party today, I enjoyed preparing for it and blessing them, and I enjoyed the fellowship with those present.

And God also sent someone to cry for me. I was so touched... when she told me that she sometimes cried for me, I really felt that I'm not worth crying for... that I'd been relatively happy in spite of the difficulty of waiting upon God... that such precious emotional resources should have been spent on someone else. But well, maybe I really needed it cos maybe it's precisely due to her intercession that I am much better these days. Thank You Lord!

Internal Affairs

Transcript

While still inside their mother's womb, two unborn twins have an interesting conversation...

*[thumb] sucking noises*

Twin 1: You look so pensive today.

Twin 2: Yeah. Maybe I've been getting a bit too philosophical.

Twin 1: At such an early age? But our brains aren't even fully developed yet.

Twin 2: I know. But have you ever wondered what all this is about? I mean, we sit here in this cramped little space and sometimes we laugh and sometimes we cry, but mostly we just sit here... and then we're BORN! It seems so... meaningless.

Twin 1: But there's so much more to life than what we see in this womb.

Twin 2: But how can that be? *gasp* You don't believe in life after birth do you?

Twin 1: Of course I believe. And I believe there's a mother who loves us and sustains us, and someday, we'll get to be with her forever.

Twin 2: But how do you know she exists? I can't feel her and I can't see her anywhere.

Twin 1: Well, of course I can't prove to you she exists, like I can prove to you that this umbilical cord exists. *tugs playfully at umbilical cord*

Twin 2: Hey hey! Be careful with that!

Twin 1: But that's just because Mother goes beyond the normal ways we prove that things exist.

Twin 2: But it just seems too good to be true. I mean, how do you know we are not fooling ourselves here into believing she exists, just because it makes us feel secure and happy?

Twin 1: But truth is truth, even if it does make us feel secure and happy.

Twin 2: Maybe you're right.

Twin 1: I guess it's hard for us to comprehend, because Mother is too wonderful for our foetal minds to imagine. And soon, we'll get to see her.

*[thumb] sucking noises*
Then...
*sound of water draining like from a sink*

Twin 2: What was that?

Twin 1: I don't know... maybe it's Time!

Not i

2008-12-09T23:50:00.002+08:00

Please tell as complete a truth as you can for my wake/funeral services. Please don't sugar-coat any eulogy. I'm not an angel. I won't be ONLY "all the good adjectives". There should be a bad adjective for every good one too. Tell the truth, as a Speaker for the Dead would (refer to "Speaker for the Dead" by Orson Scott Card). Please tell the world how hopeless I'd have been without Christ.

Please don't just tell them things pointing to Jesus. Please tell them ALL ABOUT Jesus - who he is, what he came do to, what he has in store for the future and how we can relate to him individually. Don't just gloss over it with general words of comfort. Show them that everything in my life was BECAUSE of Him. That without Him, there can be no service for me. Please talk about Him more than you talk about me. I know my loved ones would appreciate this too.

Please tell me the stuff you'd say in my condolence books NOW, not then. It would be great if whatever you wrote in those books are just an official record of what you've already told me... for my loved ones to be comforted.

Please know that I really really do love you more than I can express. (I REALLY can't think of anyone I hate or dislike more than I express.) If it seems that I don't show you love that much, often, it is because God has ordained our relationships to be wired differently so that other people in your lives whom you meet more often and who have more to give you fulfill your need for love, not I... but all too often, it is also because I am just too weak as a human being to fulfill the extent of my love for you.

Please know that there is a huge carnal self I struggle with everyday that most people don't see. I'm not as humble or selfless or secure as I might seem, just in case you were thinking so. I don't have things gotten together. JESUS is the one who has things gotten together for me, not I. It's like the Israelites as they wandered in the wilderness... they were full of disobedience and God kept smiting them in judgement, but to the nations all around, the Israelites appeared invincible, victorious and to be feared. So am I on the inside too. Everything good is just God's grace... which I've received plenty of but still do not appreciate as much as I should.

fear & dreams

2008-12-01T23:42:00.003+08:00

Today, I was thinking of my overseas electives and I actually felt scared! I've never been away from home for more than 4 weeks... and now I'll be going to 2 countries to which I've NEVER been. And these are developing countries. Not that I'd actually missed home before on previous trips overseas that lasted 2 weeks or more... but today, I just feared that I would miss home... that somehow I'd be lonely there... that I'd miss out on something in Singapore. But it was another opportunity for me to surrender my life to God once again. And after I was prayed over last Saturday and given the challenge to pray for the sick in these countries, at least I have much to look forward to and many dreams to fulfill.

I guess I've been gung-ho in my actions, going ahead with planning things that take me way out of my comfort zone unfazed... but given the time to reflect on it, many reservations and fears surface. Oh well, it's not like I'm gonna act on these fears... so I shouldn't let them bother me since I'm not changing my actions and these feelings will just give me a worse experience.

Well, Lord, at least those fears have shown me that the only reason why I'm going for those trips is because I'm pursuing You. And now I cast my care upon You again.

Today, I realised that I didn't know if some incidents I seem to recall were true memories or part of a dream.

Horizon

2008-11-22T23:47:00.004+08:00

Quite a lot has happened this week. But not much that I'd really wanna blog about.

What I decided I'd mention here though is that I've not upheld integrity this week. And I'm very remorseful about it. I don't see how I've grown stronger to be able to say no to something dishonest of this nature in future, but well, I know I've said sorry to God and He'll provide the strength somehow. And I was thinking about how God's love becomes so real when you realise how FULLY and COMPLETELY you've been forgiven.

November is a month of birthdays... a friend once explained it as a result of the convenience of taking maternity leave around this time. Quite possible. My brother, best friend and many near-best friends are born in this month. I think I really just like spending time preparing to bless people. Even if the time spent seems "inefficient". After all, love does not operate on the principle of efficiency because it's not about simply accomplishing the task, but just as much about the process and journey.

All this time, I've been really taking things one step at a time. God has been so good. He's answered so many prayers in such a dramatic way. Once, I prayed for a cab on a remote stretch of road. He sent a lorry driver to offer me a free windy ride in the back of his lorry (the road wasn't remote enough for it to be REALLY dangerous, and I had a friend with me... anyway, I was quite sure it was a gift from the Lord and I'm safe and sound now). I also spent some really warm moments with precious friends on a certain rooftop garden... the wind was blowing, there were flowers and plants around, it was quiet, the air was fresh... and the company was great.

The blessings were topped off with a prayer session today.
"I guess you don't need a degree for that to happen, but you certainly need to be available."
"I guarantee you'll see it. God doesn't tantalise you with something He never had any intention to give you."
"There was this person who had to evangelise to 250 people without one of them making the decision to accept Jesus, but after her 251st or 252nd person thereabouts, many many people came to know the Lord through her."
"What's your passion?"
"When did you start desiring this?"
It really helped me remember everything that I believe I was born to do and see and strive for. I still don't have any clear answers about the means, but I think clarity about what God has created me to desire with fiery passion is sufficient a compass for now.

Right now, the horizon extends until Philippines and India. When I get there, I'll see more. But for the more immediate now, I self-declare my holidays to start right about the weekend before Hari Raya!

Daily worship

2008-10-29T22:51:00.003+08:00

So I've been living day to day. One day at a time. The most exciting thing ever, perhaps. If I'd not known God I'd think it's pretty depressing... can't see ahead, not knowing what to hope for. But well, I know He knows His business and He's got plenty of nice stuff up His sleeves. So for now, it's quite relaxing and peaceful. My hands are tied with regards to a number of things... even if I wanted to speed things up, I couldn't because other things aren't moving. But I just have a feeling that when His plans begin to unveil, it'll come upon me like a storm.

During my week long break, I asked God what it was that bothered me for some time, like a hole in my heart... And He answered me in a shorter time than expected. The 'hole' was that I'd been too inward looking, trying to do everything to meet my needs... reading books hoping they'd minister to me, doing a retreat with Him hoping that I'd get my answer, meeting people to meet the need for purpose inside me. But that day, He broke through... it was like He removed spiritual blinders that kept me from seeing things in the right perspective. Right after I determined that I'd do things for God and for others, I felt so free to rejoice... free to just be happy. Oh of course there were those bad moods of self-indulgence and self-centredness, but by and large, I've been much better. Only thing is, although I'd determined to worship Him, I wasn't quite sure how. But I guess He'll settle that part about guiding me.

I feel like God's weaning me off a whole lot of stuff that I'd normally draw security from. Now, it doesn't matter that I'm not doing much lately, neither for school nor Crusade... and I've not been catching up much with people. And it's different from before when I used to spend all my me-time on me, satisfying some craving with some bankrupt source. The only thing I'm still unsure of is whether I'm missing any promptings of the Holy Spirit to do something. Hm... But well, I know He knows that I am waiting upon Him, so be still my soul! Hush!

And maybe that's a key lesson of worship that I should learn... the worship of BEING, not doing. It was before Jesus even began His ministry that God said He was well-pleased with Jesus.

All the apostles showed the world
that Jesus was worth dying the worst kind of death for,
except for John, who showed the world
that Jesus was worth living the worst kind of life for.

growing dark

2008-10-19T22:23:00.003+08:00

I'm in a season of life when I don't quite know what's going on in my life. Suddenly, I seem able to drop a lot of activities, which on one hand allows me to slow down and reflect more but which on the other hand makes me concerned that I'm losing motivation for things.

I hope it's a part of what God's doing in me, and that it's a process of wearing away flesh and self, not case of bad stuff flaring up.

Anyway, have not been blogging much because I find nothing really God-driven to share... no purpose for sharing stuff online except for fleshly reasons.

But the video below is something that I've been wanting to share for a while. Not I saying the lyrics, but Jesus. Not that I could ever measure up to that level of joyful love and service... but it's something that humbles me and helps me along.

I Will Serve

Your night is growing dark
For the power of earth has failed
I've come to hold the candle
I will serve
You live behind the doorway
Of a locked and guarded jail
I've come to turn the handle
I will serve

I've come from quite a distance
For a while I will stay
I've come through great resistance
It was love that brought me here
To be your slave

I'll greet you near the threshold
At the end of every day
With water in the basin
And a towel to wash away
All the dirt your feet have gathered
I'll gladly kneel and bathe
I will be your servant
I will be your servant
I will be your servant
Come what may

You fear the bear at night
Like a timid little lamb
I've come to be your shepherd
I will serve
Each day you hear the challenge
Of a taunting enemy
I've come to slay the giant
I will serve

You've been told there will be trials
You've been told there will be tears
I've come to carry burdens
I will serve
You tripped and fell this morning
Under the weight of your great need
I've come to carry burdens
I will serve

Unknotting

2008-09-27T00:46:00.003+08:00

I watched Mamma-Mia today. The show reeks of dirty hippie spiritual influence! After that, it occurred to me that Abba probably was a hippie group! Ah!

Then I went to squeeze in with the crowds to catch a glimpse of Kimi and Louis!! Which I DID get =) Albeit only of their helmets. Went to the area of the track nearest City Hall MRT and got to see quite a clear view of the cars accelerating off what I think is Turn 7 as I crossed an opening in the barrier. I must say that the Singapore circuit looks absolutely gorgeous! For a few reasons... 1) water element - the Singapore River 2) greenery - the trees and the Padang 3) 2 bridges 4) beautifully lit buildings like City Hall, Fullerton, etc... 5) esoteric items like the Singapore Flyer and the 2 durians. It was a brilliant idea to have it at night!

I think the reason why almost every F1 driver complains that the Singapore circuit is too bumpy is cos of our GOOD QUALITY paint work. Haha. We have plenty of thickly-painted arrows, dotted lines, "Slow" signs and yellow boxes strewn across the track. Even I get a headache on a normal drive down Singapore roads on my bro's car's racing suspension. What more these racers who'll be doing dunno how many laps for about 1.5 hours and who need absolute control over their cars.

Today was a day when I really really had to depend on God's grace to get through it. I really didn't wanna go to school. Then I didn't wanna watch Mamma-Mia. But finally God gave me a treat when I got to hear the melody of F1 engines up close and watch the synchrony of the cars doing Turn 7 along the racing line with such precision. Just one of those silly little things that get me happy but aren't very meaningful otherwise.

But the stuff that would give me joy in the long run are meaningful interactions with a patient and with a friend today.

And thank You God, for authorities who care.

There're some songs I'd like to post in the next blog post...hopefully I'll get around to doing so at a later date.

Would I change a thing, Lord?

2008-09-02T21:17:00.005+08:00

I heard this song on Sunday night, and I woke up on Monday morning with my heart on fire... the vision of the Great Commission burning itself into my dreams, and so much in me wanting to give God my all like Bill Bright did, yet not quite understanding how that vision of a life lived well would translate into my Monday in the wards at KK.

I really wanna be able to look back at my life and say that I wouldn't change a thing, that I wouldn't give a moment back, because I've lived everyday with the Lord, and because everyday that I've lived with Him was my best. And no matter how much I give up, I want people to know that no, I did not sacrifice... it was no sacrifice at all. It's nothing much compared to what Jesus did. There's nothing that I lack here when all is surrendered.

I wanna love like is apparent on Bill Bright's aged face. He started off looking very stern, but as Bill and Vonette grew old together, their faces were etched with love. That's the kind of face I wanna have if I ever get to that age.

And like the song was oriented, I want all my life to be about You. I want people to know what an amazing thing it is to know You... to die knowing that the years I'll spend with You have just begun! And indeed, isn't that the whole purpose of life... to spend time with You and to know You and to eventually become like You. I wanna live life so centred around you that like Bill Bright, when I die, people who are thinking of making a music video about me will know to make the song a prayer unto You, and the whole theme to be centred around how wonderful You are... not about what I did.

The music video was made after Bill Bright died, in memoriam. On Sunday night, I fell asleep thinking that Bill Bright is just one of the cloud of witnesses cheering us on, declaring how faithful God is and how abundant His grace.

I Wouldn't Change A Thing

I signed my life to You
Giving everything I had
It's nothing much compared to what You've done
Now the vision is clear
For a world that needs to hear about
A loving Father and His only Son

Chorus:
Some will say I sacrificed
But they don't understand
That to walk with You makes me the richest man
I wouldn't change a thing
I wouldn't give a moment back
I've lived beneath Your grace and faithfulness
I wouldn't change a thing
For there is nothing here I lack
For I've been truly blessed
Every day I've spent with You has been my best

You've brought so many friends
Humbly laying down their lives
I'm amazed by their great faith and love for You
That the whole world may know
It's the reason that we go
We walk not knowing what You'll take us through

(Chorus)

And I thank You for my wife
She's so precious in my eyes and Yours
Even now I wouldn't wanna walk a single step
Without her... without her

Now the shadow is long
And the race is near the end
Yet the years I'll share with You have just begun
I desire to finish well
For I've always longed to hear from You
The words from Your own lips,
"My friend, well done."

(Chorus)

"I was driven to my knees in the privacy of my home
And in the most sacred moment, I surrendered myself
To Him"

Advice?

2008-08-24T15:53:00.001+08:00

In lectures, sermons and self-help books, we often hear quotes from people who were successful. The typical stories of success in business are of people who started with not much, even people from the poorest strata of society, but who rose in the business world and became madly successful in their ventures. Other success stories are people who have successfully managed and grown organisations. They are often quoted on what they attributed their successes to.

But successful people don't always know the reasons for their successes. Often, they haven't the slightest clue what they're talking about. People who have tried those same 'methods' and failed would know that what these people say is not true, but they're never interviewed. In EVERY instance, these successful people really would have failed if not for a whole lot of intervention... either by God or by the devil.

They often preach hard work, passion and vision. In sharp contrast, Jesus preached love, compassion, servanthood and faith.

So we Christians shouldn't run around looking to every source that claims a hold on wisdom, even those with 'proof' of success, regarding how to succeed. The formula for true success has always been right under our noses... in the simple but powerful and everlasting truth of the Bible...

Joshua 1:8
Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.

2 Kings 18:7
And the LORD was with him; he was successful in whatever he undertook.

2 Chronicles 31:21
In everything that he undertook in the service of God's temple and in obedience to the law and the commands, he sought his God and worked wholeheartedly. And so he prospered.

Job 22:21
Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you.

Psalm 1:1-3
Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.

Matthew 5:3-12
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Mark 9:35
Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, "If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all."

Acts 20:35
In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'

Hebrews 11:6
And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

James 1:12
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

James 1:25
But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.

On The Side Of Me

2008-08-22T23:55:00.001+08:00

Managed to catch the last few individual Rhythmic Gym performances and most of the team performances for the Olympics just now... what a thrill to watch. I remember the good old days when we were in 113 and watching the rhythmic gym-ers perform... back then when we still had half-day Day 8's ('Prep' Days) and back to back English Language and English Literature lessons with Mrs Julie Hoo before that. Back when we still wore culottes.

I remember the thrill of playing handbells too, somehow. When I watched the performances and got a 'high' watching them pull off difficult stunts with absolute precision, it reminded me of the time we used to strive for such moments back in the Raffles Ringers.

Finally, I remember the time when our class, 212, was watching the 2000 Olympics rhythmic gym performances in a classroom in block E (I think it was the second classroom from the left, on level 1)... with the lights dimmed, and my Chinese tutor pulled me out of class to complete an essay, without which she couldn't give me a grade for Chinese Language. That was because I'd not handed up enough assignments that year to meet the minimum requirements.

On The Side Of Me by Corrinne May

I'm not the easiest person to love
I'm often the one who lets things go unresolved
Yet you choose to be on the side of me
On the side of me
Yeah, you choose to be on the side of me
On the side of me

I'm not too proud of some things I've done in my life
The skeletons in my closet are too big for me to hide
Yet you choose to be on the side of me
On the side of me
Blessed charity, you're on the side of me
On the side of me

Everyone needs a friend to hold
When it's cold outside
And there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
All alone I cried, there was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared but you

I'm not the easiest person to love
But you - you've opened your heart
To show me what I'm worth
'Cos you choose to be on the side of me
On the side of me
What a mystery - you're on the side of me
On the side of me...

Lull

2008-08-13T16:51:00.004+08:00

Just wanna say that over this O&G posting, God's been really good and merciful. Although I got scolded for ridiculous reasons at least twice during the first days of posting at NUH, somehow, I feel that those opened a door for me into O&G... I've felt more able to connect, to be on the same page as the other medical students. Building bridges has been good. I've enjoyed quite a number of tutors, and God's helped me in the many assessments that came along the way (although I'm not sure how many of them are counted). This has also been the most peaceful season of studying for exams for me. Not sure why. Maybe it's because I'm truly not worried at all about God's disapproval that I've not done enough, regardless of the outcome of the exams. He's allowed me to enjoy the subject a bit more too...

Guess it's just a season of peace and quiet enjoyment, knowing that there're still plenty of questions and uncertainties, but either by resignation or in trust (or a mixture of both), quietly placing them aside for the time being.

And AH! I just found out that Cel and Elaine are back! And already they're leaving... why does this have to happen in exam season? Lol.

Flowers Quickly Fading

2008-08-01T11:22:00.003+08:00

... aren't we all ...

I've been feeling really helpless lately. A batch mate of mine just passed away... suddenly and unexpectedly.

I didn't know him very well... so at first I think, I wish I could have known him better and perhaps also loved him while I could. But then again, I proceed to think, Even if I knew him, I don't think I could have offered much anyway... it's not like I even know how to love those people whom I DO know.

But I hope somehow, this will not all be in vain. I hope from this, we can realign our focus for the year... that medicine is not everything... that there's things people need besides help in studies... that we're all helpless to help, unless we are first empowered to.

And, goodness... for me, the question that still remains is, "Lord, what will You have me do?"

Knowing Nothing

2008-08-01T10:34:00.003+08:00

The world says, "You've gotta be confident when you are presenting yourself. You've gotta know how to sell yourself."

Tutors in medicine say, "You need to learn to 'wayang' even if you don't know."

Psychologists say that 'insecurity' is something we are to rid ourselves of... a hindrance to living a happy life.

But God says, "Blessed are the poor in spirit. Blessed are those who mourn. Blessed are the meek." This is said even before, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness," and, "Blessed are the pure in heart."
God says that He is near to the broken hearted... a broken spirit and a contrite heart He will not despise, but the haughty are an abomination in His sight. Which side is it better to 'err' on?

Of what use is it if I throw in all my effort into studies such that I become confident in exams, pass with flying colours, and say that it was all God and none of me? How can I say that I put confidence in God alone when how much I study for the test determines how confident I am? Don't those who don't know God also study and do well? (This question is akin to Jesus asking, "Don't the heathen also love those who love them?") Of course we don't wanna fall into the trap of laziness and abusing God's grace... God's grace is supposed to change us powerfully, but God never measured the change in us that His grace brings about by how much we work... rather, He measures it by how much we love. Being hardworking should not be a value to strive for. No, we strive TO LOVE, and being hardworking is the END RESULT... we become hardworking BECAUSE of love, to meet the needs of those we love. If we strive to be hardworking, it'll short-circuit our efforts to love. Hardworkingness and that spirit of excellence from any other source is pride, as is security in any other but God. If we are to be single-minded, let's only pursue the Great Commandment and the other which is like it, and measure everything else about ourselves by them... by how much we have loved... first God, then people.

I will boast in my infirmities and weaknesses, in my insecurities and lack of ability, that God's strength would be made perfect and known.

Well, sure, it makes sense when tutors say that we gotta be confident or we wouldn't pass the exams or do things right. And patients wouldn't listen to us or want us around. It makes a whole lot of worldly sense. But God's sense says that we are to be meek, and that it is better to be broken than confident. How it works out, I've not fully grasped. But I know the Author, and He definitely makes sense when I can't.

The only time we can claim confidence is if we speak on the authority of God's Word, like Jesus. We can only be confident if we can say, "Whatever my Father says, I say. I only tell you what the Father says." We can only be confident when we are able to say that the words we speak are the very words that God Himself would speak. An example is Peter preaching at Pentecost, by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Do you have the assurance and conviction that you speak God's very Words? Otherwise, is your confidence warranted?

1 Corinthians 2:1-5
When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.

Alternatively, we can be confident in God's love for us, fully acknowledging the many botches we're making in our speech but not minding it at all, because His blood has got our backs covered. =)

I cried with you

2008-07-12T01:14:00.002+08:00

During that night when I felt the most profoundly alone in my life, I asked God to do something about it... either reveal His love to me amazingly, or send someone to help.

I'd felt that none of that had happened that night... and I was disappointed.

But today, He told me that the thing that He did for me was to feel my hurt and cry with me. The God of the universe, holy, majestic and powerful, would love me so much and hurt with me.

Lord, I have never felt so alone...

2008-07-09T02:32:00.001+08:00

Rubbish!

2008-06-30T20:08:00.011+08:00

Wow... 4 hours later and I wouldn't have a single post in June. Admittedly, I AM forcing myself to post now just so there's a June 2008 Archive.

I was assured again, through meditation on the passage below, that I AM running the marathon God wants me to run... that the stuff I am doing is not in vain. Sometimes, people around me tell me that I can afford to "relax" and enjoy some stuff... I mean, if there's absolutely nothing wrong with certain things that help me enjoy myself, then it's a likely scenario that I'd reach the same destination with the same reward of God's favour in the end as anyone else... only other people enjoyed it a lot more while I had a terrible time. I certainly didn't want that. BUT if what I'm doing is right, then I wouldn't settle for any lower goal than the best that I know of.

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them RUBBISH, [in order] that I may gain Christ, and be found in Him..."
Philippians 3:7-9

Paul said that EVERYTHING that was to his profit, he considered loss. What are the things that you think are to your profit? Do you now consider it LOSS? (eg. To be regretted?! A loss is something that people naturally regret.) Many things that the world and many Christians count as profit should actually be counted as not just "neutral" things, but RUBBISH! Trash! Useless, space-wasting, decaying and, if you keep it long enough, stinking and contemptible. AND, if you DON'T count them as absolutely rubbish, it'll hinder you from gaining Christ and being found in Him. Whoa. Better start asking God what trash is lying around in your life right now.

"... and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead."
Philippians 3:9-11

And only by doing this whole-heartedly will I gain that righteousness that is not legalistic, that does not come from myself, but that comes straight from God... that results from a changed nature and the fullness of love. SO, if you count some things as rubbish but keep other things (that are also in truth rubbish), you'll be hindered from getting that true righteousness and could possibly come across as pharisaical and "holier than thou" to others, because it's a righteousness that comes from yourself. But one may ask, "How does counting these things as rubbish allow one to gain Christ and His righteousness?" Well, inasmuch as no Christian understands the science of resurrection, yet believes that Jesus WAS indeed resurrected, it is not important to see the how giving up such things leads to true righteousness in order to believe the Word. One could postulate theories, but that's not the point sometimes.

It's painful... that's why it's likened to Christ's sufferings and His death. And indeed, in order to be resurrected, one must first die. Are you sure you're content with this life? If not, the Bible promises something way better when you give it up. Not just your time, but your worldly values... everything that you try to decorate or distinguish yourself with in order to profit yourself. Even if you think you're doing it only for God's sake, so that people will love you and you in turn can lead them to Christ, too bad... the Bible says that that's not His way. It's not YOUR righteousness and YOUR own beauty that you manufacture by your own concepts and efforts, but it's HIS righteousness and that alone that will bring any form of resurrection, both for you and the people you're trying to minister to. He clothes the lilies of the fields... they don't clothe themselves.

So what do you do now? Intellectually consider those things as 'trash' by taking God at His Word, and ask Him to change your appetite, so you won't WANT trash, but you'll desire Him, all of Him and nothing but Him. (Ripped from what is said in court about truth.) He certainly changed my appetite considerably.

I finally could enjoy the reason with which Paul encourages us to rejoice... I was finally affirmed that I'm on the right track... that it's not in vain... that the price that is paid WILL gain me Christ - all of Him and not one bit less. He assured me that the cloud of witnesses IS cheering me on... not for the general effort I put in, but for the very reason that I choose to consider those things as utter TRASH, to be despised and poured contempt on and thrown far, far away, burnt up in an incinerator somewhere out of sight and out of mind.

Oh yes, I still need to update supporters about my trip. I know what I'm gonna say, but I've just been too tired. I'm thankful for this posting at KKH... which gives me space and time to manage my priorities His way. It's opposite EAST too. I like the shops... and I like the babies... and I like the company. I also thought I wouldn't have time to get my hair cut for some time, but everything fell into place and I got it cut today, extremely unexpectedly. Thank You Lord!

Away

2008-05-31T03:44:00.000+08:00

That sums it all up. Won't be contactable till at least June 22. After that, I'll be quite busy so you can try. That probably also heralds a blogging drought.

Have learnt many lessons, but by the time I could sit down to blog, I didn't feel like posting them anymore. Many things have happened, and I am tired, but God has been SO faithful.

You were born to be loved

2008-05-28T22:10:00.001+08:00

Kinoko

2008-05-18T00:47:00.002+08:00

I complained to a friend recently that in some situations, I felt like a mushroom - kept in the dark and fed manure.

Today, I got an unexpected gift - a mushroom lamp that lights up. I didn't realise God's humour in it at all until someone pointed it out. It's ok even if it's dark or you're fed manure... I've empowered you to be the light of the world.

So yeah, thanks to my JC friends who got me the gift, and to a very special friend who saw God working through this.

I need more affection than you know

2008-05-13T18:02:00.002+08:00

That's my SMS ringtone, backmasked. Courtesy of Utada Hikaru. Or at least, that's what I hear it to be when it's played backwards.

Aching everywhere today, and very tired. But don't know what happened. Oh well, who cares. And besides, what to do.

Pentecost

2008-05-11T22:20:00.002+08:00

Oh yes, amazing... just remembered today's Pentecost Sunday. I didn't know the other word for it was Whit Sunday.

Here's the COLLECT for Whit Sunday printed in the church bulletin:

Almighty God, who at this time taught the hearts of your faithful people by sending to them the light of your Holy Spirit: grant us by the same Spirit to have a right judgement in all things, and evermore to rejoice in His holy comfort; through the merits of Christ Jesus our Saviour, who is alive and reigns with You in the unity of the Spirit one God, now and forever. Amen

How apt. Right judgement and comfort... just the 2 things I needed and I believe I've received today, starting Friday.

Floodgates

2008-05-11T21:11:00.000+08:00

I didn't realise just how much Friday evening would mean to me until some floodgates broke just now.

And for once I also realised how my strength also doubles up as a weakness... I tend to be able to see the different ways in which God could work, including out-of-the-box options. This time, though, it's caused me to be completely uncertain about what God wanted. Hannah certainly didn't go through a struggle about God's will before she vowed that Samuel would be a Nazirite. She didn't seem to have gone through the arduous thought process about how God could also use Samuel if he wasn't a Nazirite because He's sovereign and she shouldn't have made the vow for her son when perhaps her son should have made it for himself.

Well, it took all this struggling... for me to be tired out seeking His will, so that He could show me that I had it all along. Or that theoretical what-ifs really didn't matter, because whatever I chose with a pure heart either was exactly His will or He would make it His will by choice (even before I chose). Ok, hard to explain. But in short, God is so sovereign.

Every where I've turned these past few months, the things He's whispering at me seem to tell me to step out in boldness... seem to say that I shouldn't be afraid that it's not His will because His perfect love will cast out all fear... that He will answer some very bold things I've asked for, in the weird way that I asked for it.

So now, my mind is settled. The option that keeps holding me back, I've come to recognise as not more significant, if not less significant, than the overwhelming number and quality of reasons for the other options and arguments. It's just another what-if, that still exists only by a thread. Friday evening has shown me that now, my heart and spirit are also settled.

Now that it's all out, there's a lot more peace and certainty, and much quiet resolve.

Dear friend

2008-05-09T23:55:00.000+08:00

Today, I prayed for a friend who would understand. God sent a friend who not only understood me to the core, but who also affirmed my choices so much that she cried at the intensity of her affirmation and belief in me. I'd thoroughly underestimated how God could use her to love me. But it's simply amazing. I needed it so badly today. She didn't even know that such a situation existed, but she gave me much more than I'd needed.

Jo, I'd always known that you would choose this path. I just want you to know that even if we're apart in the future, I'd always want you to keep choosing this.

She said much more, but I think I'd mangle her words more than this quote, so I'd better not type it out.

She understood my choices and fully agreed with me, unreservedly.

So we sat there at Spinelli's, crying together.

Such friendships are rare, but God has blessed me with at least two such friends. I've really not been grateful enough.

Fleshly

2008-04-29T01:18:00.003+08:00

These past weeks have really surfaced a lot of dross everywhere, especially in me. I want to love people more, but I just don't know how to. So much in me holds me back... me and my needs, and my selfishness, and everything inside that always cries out for approval, encouragement, vindication and attention, legitimate or not. I need to be transformed... all the time.

Not blogging much because words seem to just run dry... but do call to catch up, at least until this dry spell is broken.

Nothing

2008-04-20T22:54:00.000+08:00

I just found out that my favourite Sec 1 Literature teacher has now become the Principal of my alma mater!!! Lin commented about a new principal and when I went to look, the first thought that came to me was, Now there's a pleasant and sincere smile. THEN it occurred to me that I knew and liked this person. I'm so glad for RGS.

Not much to blog about lately. Losing perspectives of many things. I don't know what's happening anymore. Lots of downs, but many quick rebounds... and the rebounds are just as puzzling, if not more so, than the downs. God being faithful I guess... it's the best explanation, really.

"God created the world out of nothing, and so long as we are nothing, He can make something out of us." - Martin Luther
(from Compass - A Discipleship Journal, No. 30... couldn't find more details on the source of the quote.)

Love & Joy

2008-04-13T23:03:00.000+08:00

I've just finished using a red journal with the word "Love" in front. Now I've started a new orange journal with the word "Joy". A new chapter perhaps? I've been feeling stranded between chapters for quite a while. I don't know why the previous chapter would be called Love, but Joy is something I much need to cultivate.

I've also been feeling really tired. Not sure why. Been sleeping more than 8 hours on more than one night this past week but I'm still very tired. Sub-clinical infection? Emotional distress? (I guess there'd be some, but I can't quite pinpoint what kind of distress.)

Been quite tired since last semester! Need to pray that I'll get out of this. It'd be a horror to think that I'll be living the rest of my life always wanting to sleep this badly. Many much more senior women around me are so energetic and active... I often can't help but wonder if it's just me or if it's just a phase that'll pass. I guess it's the latter.

Need to pray about where God wants me to go for overseas elective.

Marks of Love

2008-03-28T16:50:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, I woke up to a mackerel sky. Some kinda alto cumulus I guess. But at least from my home, it stretched from rooftop to rooftop. In the evening, some remained to give the evening sky a really nice orange texture.

These 3 weeks of family medicine posting has been really tiring. I've never had so many hours logged in before. Hard to find time and space and STRENGTH to do quiet time... unless I sacrifice ministry time. Will HO year be like that too?

In family medicine, they teach us the marks of love... the EVIDENCE of love. All the communication, listening and counselling skills they teach us are but the RESULT of true love. The whole reason why it never works is because if you don't love the person, it would be incredibly hard to practise all that. They even put 'empathy' as a point to practise, as if people can just HAVE empathy. And more importantly, adding to that, there would be so little motivation to want to care for patients. I guess that's the best thing the secular world can do. Although everyone celebrates love and consideration for others, there is little basis or science to be teaching that in a secular education.

After all, who would give the lecture on loving patients? Wouldn't that person be held to really high standards by colleagues and students alike? I'm sure everyone would shrink from that job. Or it wouldn't be taken seriously. Otherwise, it would have to be a rather religious or spiritual person. Next, what would the content be in a lecture on loving patients? And HOW does one teach medical students to love? What examples would be given? On what basis do you convince them to love? They can be successful in future without loving a single one of their patients... there're many examples to prove that even though society at large would probably say it isn't ideal.

What a wasted day

2008-03-25T00:07:00.000+08:00

Inseparable

2008-03-22T23:48:00.003+08:00

Didn't attend church for Good Friday yesterday, because my cousin had his wedding! It stirred up such expectancy and hope, such rejoicing in God's promise, as I watched the videos that were put up of the wedding process and their love. (12 out of 27 years spent together! If I'm not wrong. Both, each other's first and last boy/girlfriend.) Quite an amazing experience.

Wore that dress that God pretty much 'tailor-made' for me. Liked it SO much that I seriously thought myself looking better in it than most of the other ladies in the place! Except the bride of course. Even though almost no one said anything about it. Talk about ego. But I guess I sincerely don't mean it that way... cos it's not like I thought myself pretty ordinarily. It's just... the whole sense of what God thought of me, and my being able to deeply agree with it. It made me chirpy the whole evening. And I was bold enough to keep telling my parents and bro all about what I felt and how I'd found the dress.

Went for the first midnight movie with maternal cousins! Rule #1. Just wished it wasn't a horror movie. I think I'm particularly impressionable, with a very active imagination, so horror movies have a particularly bad effect on me. Oh well. Not like I mind anyway... gives me an excuse to decline such future sessions of brainwashing. Yes... horror movies are much to do with just brainwashing people into thinking that God is not present or that He is impotent, and that evil forces have such great power, and sometimes lies & myths about ghosts or possession are thrown in... when in reality it's just the opposite, and those things have absolutely no authority to even come NEAR us, much less touch or harm. Indeed, God has sovereignty even over the death of sparrows, and every hair of our heads, and as the verse goes...
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
~ Romans 8:38-39

It's a wonderful, amazing, indescribable thing to be in Christ!

Anyway, I was very thankful for the opportunity to get to know my cousins all over again. It's necessary as we all grow up. The same way I'm getting to know bro even now.

Work in Progress

2008-03-21T00:39:00.005+08:00

It's been a good two weeks filled with many things that I can be thankful for. It's funny... I feel I've been understanding God more... His love for me, His plans, His ways, etc... but there's no 'spiritual lesson' that I can put into words. Been blessed with regards to DG, Prayer Comm, church... Maybe it's just been a week of quiet but revolutionary change... one that happens so that you know it, but that you simply can't put a finger on.

LM on Tuesday featured a message by Janice, on Hebrews 10, the passage that I was trying to study just that morning. Although I was trying to study Hebrews over the past few weeks, I felt that I'd gain little insight from it all. But while I was poring over the passages again as Janice spoke, a lot of things suddenly hit me in a rather dramatic way. Maybe it's the time of the day... haha... but nah, for some reason He planned it that way, and I'm glad the small breakthrough finally came.

Went to St James' today for Maundy Thursday. A bit bewildering when the congregation gives a response that is not written on the programme booklet haha. I still can't remember the words even though the phrase is quite a simple one. But this year's the first time I've heard of the stripping of the altar, the tenebrae (spelling?), the dimming of the lights and so on, and tonight I got to see it... still quite blur about the details, but it had its desired effect on me. Then I went to the 24/7 prayer room with many special exhibits about Jesus' journey to the cross until the burial, and had a good time of soaking in His love again... especially the parts about how He loved to the end people who hated and tortured Him. And although a recent lesson in Crusade's Discipleship Group material taught about recognising trials in order to consider them joy, I still react very much in a victimised and martyred manner. I really need to grow in love.

Academically, it's been 2 weeks of GP posting, which was really enjoyable. The tutor was really nice and I learnt a lot... not just academically. Spent quality time with Chris finally, and got to connect again. Got Dad to consult my tutor about the chronic cough and got it treated finally! It's been quite relaxing too, since I've been able to get the readings done during school by God's grace, and they force us to hand in the write-ups on the last day of school of each week... so the weekends are absolutely free! At least from studies.

The posting also really made me think about what I wanted and what God wanted... in a sense, it was very interlinked with my quiet time reading of Hebrews 11 and the lesson about trials. It seems that the more I've grown in Him and in surrender, the more I desire to really pursue and serve Him in full-time capacity ASAP. It's like an ache for more of Him that just grows and grows. Like a couple... in which one says, "I wanna be with you for the rest of your life," and the other says, "Then I want the rest of my life to start now." It's rash and blind passion, but, I believe, one held firmly in His hand.

I wanna go for a silent retreat. Preferably a guided one, since I don't think I can do one on my own. Wouldn't know quite what to do, and may not have the discipline to. Wanna dig deep into the Word. Wanna start fasting and interceding again. Need to start the engine up again... so much dust has been allowed to settle.

This week was filled with experiences that mimicked a trip out of my world... stepping into a wholly new experience and culture and participating in it. Let's see... church and T3, running in the east, the GP clinic, Splendid Suns and Maundy Thursday. More than missing my 'comfort zone', I was all too eager and ready to feel at home in these new settings. I felt refreshed and rested... excited and happy. Not sure if it's just cos I needed a break, or if I'm just born to do such stuff.

Got my first ever official 'prophecy' at church. There's no reason to doubt that it's from God, cos it did minister quite specific words, almost all of which can be found quite directly from the Bible. But there's a sentence in there about humility that I'm just kinda scared to believe... cos I'm just so scared of pride. I know I shouldn't have that fear... and I believe I need to hand it over to God, but the Bible DOES say that we are to humble ourselves. Don't quite know how to humble myself from a motivation that is NOT fear (of pride).

I've been responding to conflicts differently now... kinda resigned, perhaps, which is bad... but from another point of view, more tolerant, which is good. I so don't know what to do with this. Been very tired, so I've pretty much drifted along, and the low-pitch-voiced, detached mood is what I usually end up with. I think the exhibits for Maundy Thursday should help... so I'll need to think about those scenes more the next time a potential argument crops up to see if it works.

Pursuing

2008-03-13T00:37:00.000+08:00

I realise I've been pursuing intimacy my own way. No doubt, I thought it was the right way... the recommended way by most friendship/relationship experts... I thought it was biblical too to be honest and to love justice.

But I realise that not only will God vindicate... He has promised intimacy, even if it sometimes doesn't seem to come by a road that He commands.

It is in this promise of intimacy and vindication... this hope... that I can rejoice in the meantime.

Overdue Thanks

2008-03-10T00:47:00.003+08:00

There's a lot to give thanks for. I think even in thanking Him, we need His help to see things His way... to recognise His blessings in our lives.

It was a great privilege to be initiated into a deeper way of Bible study, to tour the library of a seminary with a personal guide who was very much concerned for me. I'm glad that Dad agreed to buy the PC Bible without much hesitation at all. Can't wait for it to arrive. I hope it comes before I complete my reading of the NT this year, so I can optimise my application of this new method soon. I'm also glad that Dad is seriously considering seminary. Praying that God will assure him about His will.

Mom responded to today's sermon by telling bro and me that she loves us. And also apologising for some things. I'm thankful for it, although I don't have the emotional capacity to get up and do a jig over it just now I guess. Still, thank You Lord.

And on Saturday, I found a dress that fulfilled all my criteria... one that I really like and seems uncannily tailor-made for me. At first, I didn't recognise God's provision, and complained about a related prayer that I was disappointed over because He's not yet answered it (not even a proper 'No'). But yeah, I guess when I wear it for my cousin's wedding, I'll be privileged to have the full joy of knowing that He tailor-made it for me, and prevented me from settling for another dress that was just slightly less-than-ideal. Next time, I'll trust God with fashion more I guess.

movie movie

2008-03-05T01:04:00.002+08:00

Watched Evan Almighty, because the real-life Evan has been talking about it. And it was amazing! I'm definitely gonna get the DVD. I didn't expect so much good theology from it!

Some quotes / concepts (where I can't remember the exact quote)...

"When you pray for patience, do you think God gives you patience, or the opportunity to be patient?" - 'God' in Evan Almighty (Ok, this is something to ponder... although the Bible does say that God DOES give grace and strength for you to be patient too... He changes US so we can be patient.)

"If God told me to build this ark because a flood was coming, I'd be VERY angry with him if he meant it to be a flood of emotions, or a flood of knowledge." - Evan

It was such a clear demonstration of many themes...
God asking for a difficult obedience, precisely BECAUSE He loves us...
... the difficulties that come because of it (persecution!)...
... and yet, the benefits...
... faith, when you can't see the purpose of it...
... fulfillment of His promises to confirm the words of His servant.
Oh, many more, but I simply can't remember.

So 2 DVDs to get... Evan Almighty and Facing the Giants.

Watched The Leap Years with HW and Mon yesterday. Talking about this second cos it's a less positive review than for Evan Almighty.

Over all, quite nice for a Singapore film. Enjoyable. But I wasn't terribly moved or anything because a lot of it was so surreal and I just couldn't suspend my disbelief sufficiently to get emotional.

The worst flaw about its themes was that this girl really doesn't understand love at all. Hers is such a shallow concept, unless it really is true that love is 100% fate-determined, because her decisions could have just as well made her a consummate fool.

The great writers experienced deep love and intimacy, and out of that miracle penned all their poetry and great quotes. Their descriptions of love are the MARKS of a deep experience and come about naturally as a result of their love. But I feel the silly girl in the show tries to manufacture the experience of those quotes in her shallow understanding of love, which is simply stupid. And she marries that guy based on that shallow understanding, with only one conflict that was never quite resolved on their track record of 'experiences together'. Completely foolish. It's very likely to lead any real-life girl astray if she tries to model her life after Li-Ann's story.

1 Corinthians 11:1

2008-03-01T22:22:00.003+08:00

"Religion is the best people can do.
Christianity is the best God can do."
~ Henrietta Mears in What the Bible is All About

Hm... I think I've found a new role model. Not that she replaces any of the previous ones, but she's definitely being added to the list. So far, it's Smith Wigglesworth, Bill Bright and her. At least, those are the 'untouchable' ones, in that they're all dead and gone.

One Body

2008-02-26T15:14:00.005+08:00

Daily Mail Article

TIME Article

There is no jealousy, no competition. There is no room for pride. It's the most excellent way.

We are unique and very different, acknowledged so, yet one. We have conflicts a lot, but we give in. We take turns. When one is ill, we are all ill. When one hurts, we all hurt. When one receives love, we all receive love. Their gifts are my gifts and my gifts are theirs. Their honour is my honour and mine is theirs. Joys are multiplied and sorrows divided. The uniqueness bestowed upon you is mine, as upon me, yours. When one is ill, another takes medicine for him if he cannot, because if he remains ill we will all become ill. We neither rise nor fall without each other. When you cannot scratch an itch you cannot reach, I do it for you. We cannot be separated - we need each other emotionally and functionally. We do not attain our dreams without each other. Your children are mine, and mine yours. There is no yours or mine, no you or I.

There is such, not just within marriage.

If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me as he has grieved all of you, to some extent—not to put it too severely. The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient for him. Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him. The reason I wrote you was to see if you would stand the test and be obedient in everything. If you forgive anyone, I also forgive him. And what I have forgiven — if there was anything to forgive — I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.
~ 2 Corinthians 2:5-11

Apologies

2008-02-24T14:50:00.003+08:00

If it is humbling to apologise, it is much more so to have to ask for one.

I'll give one first. I apologise if I unintentionally offend anyone with this post. It was never meant to be inflammatory, and I do not have evil thoughts of anyone in particular. If anything, this is a rather self-absorbed post... it's more about me than it is about you.

I'm frustrated with a lot of things right now. Studies being a large part of it. While I can see much purpose in my being in NUS and the whole process of college, I see no purpose to the academic side of things. I've discovered that I'm really not interested in finding out so much about diseases when so little can be done through this knowledge, when so much of what CAN be effectively done does not lie in this field (because it is not properly covered in training, and not practically allowed in profession)... when there exist plenty others who are more than willing to fill these shoes and provide for the college, the system and society something much closer to the mold they want.

So I thought I wanted to be a Different doctor. But I seriously think that the difference I'll make as a Different doctor will pale SO much in comparison to the difference I'll make NOT as a doctor. Everything in the system works against it... why should I try to contend with it?

I've always been an extremist. I think the only way one can find balance is to be extreme for God. Like Smith Wigglesworth. Or Kathryn Kuhlman. Or Jesus, Paul, Peter, John, etc... And I believe every bit in what God did through them - how He healed people miraculously, from the inside out, completely.

Why should I invest so much half-hearted concentration into the study of medicine to attain a trade that I reckon is only partially effective on a superficial plane, when I can whole-heartedly and passionately pursue an ever-deeper relationship with God and study the scriptures to attain a wholly effective cure which touches even the deepest levels of life?
[Possible answer: I simply am not ready to pursue God yet, or I simply won't know how to do so, or I might not have the faith to step out into that yet. Although, I must say, I've been wanting to step out into that since the end of M1, and now I'm just DYING to.]

When I think of life as a doctor, the only thing that really attracts me is the salary, really. Such a carnal thing. Even so, it's not going to be much... there're much better ways to make money.

I know that if/when I get the title of "Dr", I will SO despise it. I WILL insist that people do NOT call me "Dr". I cannot stand formalities. I do not think I should be accorded the title of "Doctor" simply because I was affluent enough and because I can study, because BOTH affluence and intelligence do NOT come from my own merit, and a lot of affluent & intelligent people are also worms with no character and really do not deserve the unqualified respect accorded to them with the title of "Doctor". (I do not just mean the medical profession, because there are also PhDs.) There are many people out there who work way harder than medical students (and of COURSE, than I) with much more character and wisdom. Ok, shan't rant more.

As such, I have utterly lost all purpose in wanting to study this. The main reason why I've carried on is because I've not been sure enough to quit yet... mainly because most people I know would immediately react to my proposal with something just short of horror. Mainly because of my parents now since they're the ones paying for the finances (although I'm paying with my time and the distress incurred). Even the few who understand fully don't dare to encourage me to go ahead and do what I really want, because it's far too unorthodox. And oh yes, then there's the consideration that God might be wanting me to stay through for some purpose that I find more elusive than a needle in a haystack. True true, we don't always see God's purpose. True true, I could persevere and just keep trying.

But I'm someone who's thoroughly motivated by reason and purpose. And because of that, I've found it immensely difficult to study. Maybe one day I'll learn to do so, but for now I just really cannot study effectively for the upcoming Pros. It's brought me so much distress... and it's something I cannot do. I've prayed and tried. I've flipped through the notes and so many times I've just lost all motivation and reason for reading the simple but overwhelming details on each page. I've spent literally hours each day overcoming the inertia to meet a day filled with endless staring at notes. I've never started revision so early before and covered so little.

What I can say is, I'll definitely need a miracle from God to pass. Only if I DO pass, everyone would just think it's expected and no one would blink twice about it. If I do fail, I think the only thing I'd feel bad about are people's perceptions. My parents are likely to attribute it to my being complacent, spending too much time in ministry, wasting time, or spending too much time with friends. I'm sure many others would attribute it to similar things. Personally, I say that God knows it's not these at all... the last 2 reasons are probably more a result of the lack of purpose than the reason why I might not do well.

Some questions I have from all this... Is it wrong to allow people to think that way? Does this have anything to do with a lack of love for people? (In which case it would be a sin, so it would be wrong.) How could I have done better? How to overcome this lack of motivation? Or should I not have allowed the lack of motivation to affect me at all and just plod on without thought? (But so much in me recoils from the thought of mindlessly doing anything deliberately! Isn't it just foolishness?)

God, what do You say? If I'm wrong, why can't You just come and quash all my arguments, because I am so earnestly desiring Your answer, even if it is that I am utterly wrong? If I'm wrong, why didn't You quash them way earlier so I could have studied better? You know I've been seeking You on this for a very long time.

And yet, I know I've failed You many times, and that You're always faithful. Just help me to see what You want me to see... and for the things I can't see, just let me cling on in faith or do something - anything - that pleases You.

In short, God, what do You say? What do I do? I love You.

I am what I am

2008-02-22T15:06:00.004+08:00

I watched CJ7 recently. The little fluff ball so concretised so many ideals that have burned themselves deeply into my heart... of doing no harm, of being quick to trust and love, of healing and restoration, giving the gift of life and of being able to bring sheer delight by simply BEING. A friend poked fun, telling me that CJ7 must be my role-model. For those qualities, why not, actually? Just not the same way I must suppose! >_<

It also brought to remembrance what so attracted me to Tsukino Usagi back in my primary school days and invited me to take a little trip down memory lane, watching snippets of SailorMoon on youtube... really enjoyable because it's so ridiculous and yet incredible. I can see why many of the series' fans are adult.

I was reminded of the ache for the ideal and glorious... so well evoked by the passage 1 Corinthians 15:35-58, which talks about each flesh having its own splendor and glory in the resurrection. What splendor and glory has God made me for? I believe the desire for glory is not always carnal.

I wish I could just go to sleep, and awake to find the kingdom come, Love fully revealed, and I a princess in His house with no business except to love and be loved.

"It is a dangerous thing to be born."
- Rahim Khan in The Kite Runner (movie)

"... why do we endanger ourselves every hour? I die every day..."
~ 1 Corinthians 15:30-31

"But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain."
~ 1 Corinthians 15:10

I Love You

2008-02-14T01:03:00.005+08:00

To all my friends out there,

♥ Happy Valentine's Day! ♥
This also goes out to many with whom I've not kept in touch... There're a lot, but I wanna list, because I do think of you. Ben, Zhen, Tara, Lin, Cel, Elaine, JY, Shilin, Bren, Anne, PY, Lien, Cheeps, Zerg, Libby, Mon, OCS, HW, TWM, Rap, Chermaine (yes you, the only Chermaine I know), my cousins...
And the rest too who don't read this blog.

I want this Valentine's Day to be one of intimacy. One of knowing. I determine to know You, Lord... the best I can offer. Open my eyes to see how You are romancing me today.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without complexities or pride;
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

~ from Sonnet XVII by Pablo Neruda

Visiting

2008-02-11T14:07:00.000+08:00

I love my relatives, especially my cousins. Got to know the little ones a lot better this CNY. Appreciate them now, but I AM excited to see how they'll turn out and get to know them as adults!

Much else to blog, but, Nah...

Missing It

2008-02-04T23:44:00.000+08:00

I don't like Henri Nouwen's writings... He's too much mind and too little Word. Strangely enough, his style and the issues discussed really really remind me of Sigmund Freud's writings - even the levels of assumptions he makes. But through it, God really showed me how He's blessed me.

I think I'll be putting aside teaching books for a while. Quite saturated just now. I guess I'll take a trip into the world with God and catch up on my fiction reading list. Finally, Orson Scott Card.

Of course, but then he'd miss the miracle.

Bumper Post

2008-02-03T22:34:00.000+08:00

CHP has been incredibly enjoyable. It's half-surprising. It's precisely not the subject matter that's particularly captured my interest... and I'd still shy away from research as much as possible (not cos I don't like it... in fact, the converse is very true... but because there're so many other things I find immensely more purpose and meaning and sheer THRILL doing). But I've enjoyed the people... the dynamics, the tutors, especially Dr. L. It was funny, because despite my many resolutions not to butt in too much, I ended up participating a lot. God really worked a miracle in me.

What a tangle it's been... needs to be dealt with one string at a time. How did the knots ever get so tight?

Can the little boy go home now, having left his lunch box with Jesus?

What

2008-01-30T23:04:00.000+08:00

I am tired. So tired in more ways than one.

I think I'm disappointed. Very. I cried quite weirdly today, but as I cried and my voice turned nasal, it seemed that none of the 'emotion' went below my brain. Everything below just felt... non-existent. The heart was too tired to process any more of that.

I think I'm hurt. But like my disappointment, it's extremely unprocessed.

I'm still very burdened.

I'm tired... I don't know how to cry out to You Lord. What did you mean that You would come when I come to the end of myself? I thought I did a long time ago... at least, I made that decision as fully as I could and I've been living it out as best as I can. And yet right here and now, I come to a new end of myself. Lord, if this is not it, what is? What can I do? I don't care what it is You require of me; I have chosen long ago.

I don't know how to repent more than I already have. It's so automatic now that as soon as I have the slightest inkling of anything I did wrong, I pray and repent to the best of my abilities... When people talk about repentance now, I don't know how to work up that desperate repentance anymore. I don't know how else I can be.

I don't know how to humble or break myself anymore. I'm all before You, pride, sin, failures, doubts, uncertainties, prickly-ness, sharp-ness, oddities and vacillations. I strive to examine my own heart and figure out if there's any hint of pride, and if I find it I do the precise thing that most despises and shames my pride... that I believe would shame me to the world the most. I've told You so many times... over and over... I cannot purify myself. Purify me. You gotta be the one that humbles and breaks me.

Lord, I'm desperate. I'm so desperate.

Lord, why? Why, Lord?

How?

And what?

Stir it up in our hearts, Lord.
Stir it up in our hearts, Lord.
Stir it up in our hearts, Lord.

There's no other way. We cannot. Only You can. We do not know how to repent. Help us.

Help.

Fear of Pride

2008-01-30T00:05:00.000+08:00

Hm... just as God has been teaching me that I shouldn't look at indicators like results to gauge God's will, but to go by the inner Witness, I also shouldn't let the presence of pride cloud make me shy away from a decision which I fear may be made from pride. I should choose to do the right thing because it is good, and let God be the consuming fire to purify me.

I have SO many questions...

Numb

2008-01-29T01:02:00.000+08:00

Today has been an extremely emotionally-strenuous day, right from the onset. I woke up with butterflies in my stomach... almost as bad as on a major exam day. After struggling emotionally, spiritually & mentally for a while, managed to still myself a bit more meditating on His Words and some songs.

It was better, but the dissonance was still significant in the background. So many decisions but such an abstract silence... trying to hear His voice. It's like the answers were always on the fringes of my vision, but when I looked directly at them, they faded away.

Felt kinda clamped up emotionally with regards to a friendship... or maybe more than one, so there was a whole back log of unprocessed emotions.

CHP droned on, and the decisions just got more complicated.

God came through. He revealed to me that this silence was something that He had ordained... that I was in the right place before Him. He assured me that my distress was evidence of how I sought Him and His Word. And this period of silence was bringing me to greater intimacy with Him, that I would still KNOW that He was in control despite not hearing any updated directions from Him... that I need not act out of "in cases" or assumptions that I ought to proceed and be prepared for anything and everything, but that I can rest in His love. That He would speak to me when needed.

I've been quite numb for a lot of the day... it was amazing how that was possible. But for now, it's just the crying and processing of emotions I guess.

Constipated

2008-01-21T10:59:00.000+08:00

These few weeks have been interesting... there's been so much that's happened on the inside and on the outside, but I just don't know how to take stock of or process it. I've not been able to say or think much. It's like I'm sitting on things that are generally OK but not totally fine, but I've just not been able to put a finger on anything.

There's no clear burden for anything, but no clear point of rejoicing either. And the world is chugging on... sometimes breezing past me, but here I am at the core of myself, undecidedly silent and uncertain about it.

Maybe the word is CONSTIPATED.

I've learnt through this that tears are a really precious gift from God... something He uses to tell us that He understands, to acknowledge and validate our feelings and frustrations, or situation. It was the best relief in a while when they did come.

More than my pouring it all out before Him, it's been a season of hapless silence before Him, knowing that He knows.

Well, if I've learnt anything last year, I should really take this moment by moment.

Catching Up

2008-01-19T00:43:00.001+08:00

There're too many beautiful people I wanna get to know better... but not enough time to.

Went to the dentist today. After 9 months. Yes, there's a LOT of inertia. My gums aren't bad at all. =) Got my wisdom teeth X-Ray-ed too. The bottom 2 are impacted... Actually, I think I really wouldn't mind if I end up losing my last molar (except for possible pain, perhaps), because I can't even get the last molars to make contact, so they're no good for chewing... only for getting food stuck in them. Shall wait for Steph to find out more about her wisdom tooth removal demo before deciding anything. =D

There've been many lives changed... many tears over these past few weeks - mine and others'... all His work and all precious.

And there'll be many changes this year... in church, family & Crusade... I feel like a little kid squirming and twitching in anticipation.

Lord, I'm apprehensive... apprehensive that it'll all be too exciting for me. Prepare me, so that when it all happens, the excitement will be about YOU, and I won't be caught up with excitement over everything else that I miss the Point of it all - You.

Lists

2008-01-18T00:05:00.000+08:00

Areas I really wanna grow in this year:
1) The WORD!!!
2) Love & compassion
3) Humility
4) Intercession (fasting, being globally-minded)
5) Overcoming jealousy & envy

To Do's:
- Clear mess (for some reason it's started accumulating on my table
- Keep in touch with RGS friends (gomen minna!)
- Driving (especially need to hear from God how I should manage this, cos it's affecting my emotions!)
- Seeking God for P Comm... HOW to prepare for rain?! I don't even know what 'rain' looks like!

Preparing for Rain

2008-01-13T00:50:00.000+08:00

All around me, His voice rings, "Prepare for rain." Like He's letting go of the brakes, and this year will be one of scrambling to keep up with His blessings.

It's an excitement not unlike when all the battle school kids were being graduated early because the fleet was about to reach the formics in Ender's Game.

One thing I've been learning about humility: it's not the absence of pride, but the presence of love.

Lord, change me into love... let me bear the fruit of love enough to keep up with Your blessings and the talents You've blessed me with, that pride will not creep in.

A Vision of Love

2008-01-08T22:57:00.000+08:00

Although I'd done my reflections for 2007, I guess lessons didn't really click until after Patho CA, during the ST Retreat... when we were sharing our thanksgiving for the first night of the retreat. Then it occurred to me...

"2007 was a year of surrendering my vision and my measuring scales to God."

Indeed, I can be so engrossed with seeking God's will that I don't seek God as much... or that the spiritual unrest over that disturbs my time with God.

This year has been nothing short of amazing thus far. There've been such extended, quiet moments with God, filled with His love... the best way I could describe it is a sustained and deep HIGH. Reading the book Captivating by John Eldredge has just reopened my eyes to His love... and helped me to really bask in it today, sitting alone and happily at Provence.

Watching God bring the Harvest Rally Comm together... how He's grown them... even prepared the P Comm... it's all been marvelous. And what's better is that this time, I'm really enjoying the process! God's assurance of how He's gonna move this Harvest Rally has just freed me to enjoy each of them as people, to love them and to be blown away by Him in them.

It's also been a relaxing time over this Community Health Project period. I've been amazed at how God's allowed me to enjoy watching the people in the group today. I was just really appreciating, liking and LOVING so many of them... watching how God loved them kinda. And seeing the work that He was doing in their lives. All this from the standpoint that God thinks I'm captivating and loves me literally to death... it's very liberating.

I'll never come this way again...

2007-12-31T00:01:00.000+08:00

I still remember the run up to the new year LAST year. It was a time of excitement, of great gratitude and overwhelming thanks to God... and I remember God speaking quietly to me that 2007 would be a really tough year for me, where "every sense of security" but Him would be stripped away, like a rug pulled out from under me... An "intense year" that would really "cost"... that the "heat would really be turned up". And I remember my response... that I predecided to pay the cost.

Now that 2007 is almost over, I'd say that revelation was accurate.

Major Events/Changes:
- Harvest Rally 2007
- Opportunities to speak of God's goodness to the Medical Dharma Circle and relatives and friends at 3 birthday parties
- First time wearing contacts for normal purposes (1st time was wearing blue-colored contacts while cosplaying Makimachi Misao)
- Start of clinical postings
- Changing fashion sense, exploring what I like
- Merging of Medicine Science... major changes in ministry environment
- Campus Mission 2007
- Beggar's Mission
- Growing a heart for NAMEstan and other unevangelised regions
- Properly discipling P Comm not for the sake of getting tasks done but watching them grow
- 1st time conducting a teaching session
- Exploring art (appreciation, drawing, painting)
- Re-exploring photography (perspectives, not technicalities)
- Started to learn driving
- Connect Conference 2007
- 1st half-marathon (first time I've participated in any official running event for that matter)
- 1st time completing the Bible in a year
- Vietnam trip (watching God move there)
- Metamorphosis 2007: being humbled, watching God's work in people's lives... being loved by God
- Promises by God to me
- Bold requests made to God... really bold... about my future.

People:
- Relating to my cousins anew... seeing them in a new light and loving them more
- Breakthroughs in relatives' spiritual lives... 2 deaths swallowed up in victory
- Getting to know Ann & Jietong better
- Praying with Jocelyn and Rebecca
- Discovering a type of discipleship process I enjoyed with Mabel, Erica, Rebecca & Yi An
- Growing closer to bro, re-establishing confidence in Dad
- Enjoying my disciples more (with Steph new to the group)
- Getting to know the ST more
- Being mentored by YK
- Catching up with Amanda
- Watching P Comm grow

Lessons (not in order):
- Brokenness
- "There are seasons in life. They WILL come and they WILL go."
- "Enjoy every season and every moment."
- "Do not calculate, do not compare... do not measure."
- Depending on Him for EVERY little detail of life
- Humility
- Loving to disciple people and watching them grow
- Enjoying people
- Persevering
- "He takes great delight in me."
- Learning to understand God's voice and His will, with assurance
- Savouring God's Word
- Contemplative prayer
- "Stay in His face."
- "God will not delay and not answer!"
- Understanding that I DO let people in very close to my heart and become very vulnerable... but understanding also that He gives me strength to overcome any hurt
- Increasing in desire for His glory
- Overcoming jealousy & envy
- "Enjoy the process."
- Learning to rest in Him
- "God is growing me, even when I don't see it."
- "It's not knowing the What that is important, but knowing Who."
- Understanding what I was born for... my spiritual heritage, how He's fashioned me from the time I was born
- Enjoying prayer for HIM, not just for revival or for answers
- "It is impossible for me not to evangelise when He has touched me, whether I try to or notice it or not."

It's been a year with so many pits and difficult moments. I've never felt so spent and so tired for such an extended period of time. I've never felt so acutely that I could not go on, or that I could not take another moment, but He has been faithful. And I guess many of the lessons I've learnt I have no way of articulating. It's experiential learning indeed. Most importantly, there've been so many precious and intimate moments. Of being still and just KNOWING Him.

I'll never come this way again. I guess despite the tough moments, despite really wanting the tough times to pass, looking back, I can say that I really am glad for them, and that in a way I really did enjoy and grow and learn... that I was dearly loved. Much like the Vietnam trip! When I looked back at my goals even for this past semester, He's helped me unwittingly hit every single one of them to a good degree!

Things on which I would have liked to improve:
- catching up with old friends (Ben, Zhen, Yao, Hui, Lee, German class friends, Jap class friends, Yasuda-sensei, Okamura-sensei)
- keeping up to date with Med friends (after we got split up by clinicals... people like Mon, OCS, HW, Rap, WM, even Gwee...)
- keeping in touch with friends made in Tokyo and CM

And as 2008 approaches... it's a quiver in the depths of my soul that washes over me... an impression that while last year was emotionally upheaving, this new year would be upheaving in a different and more drastic way... outward changes and very different and new situations. Ok, general statement that is impossible to disprove. But oh well, I'll remember what I felt for my own reference.

I guess I'm excited.

My Offering

2007-12-25T22:39:00.000+08:00

Attended a different church today just to see what a Christmas service is like in other churches... this is my first ever Christmas service outside my home church! It was really refreshing... the sense of community... the prayers and congregation responses packed with meaning and the many opportunities for contemplation were just great! Also, met many Crusaders there... I actually felt really at home despite the major differences in service format and style.

The high point of the service was actually when Paul Baloche's song Offering was sung for the worship session. They'd inserted a special Christmas verse before the normal first verse. Can't remember the words and couldn't google it up, but it was about angels, shepherds and wise men coming to bow before Jesus (note the great differences between these three groups of beings!). It was SO apt for the song.

But yes, I'd prayed yesterday before falling asleep... that I'd been so self-absorbed this whole season (or at least my normal self-absorption has just become more apparent to me)... that I wanna be able to bless Jesus... not coming to Him for personal requests and to-do lists, or to vent my anger or stress... but coming to Him just to love Him, just for who He is. I'd prayed that although I didn't feel like I could be in that place of just desiring to love Him again, I'd really wanna give Him a nice Christmas present of worship from my heart this Christmas.

And He answered me! Through the song. Singing it, each word just struck me and once again, I wanted to entrust myself to Him in extravagant abandonment... to lavish my utmost praises and worship and honour on Him... with the finest "gold" I could offer, even though it's actually worth so little. He deserves all of me and so much more!

MERRY CHRISTMAS JESUS (LORD, SAVIOUR, LOVER)!
The sun cannot compare to the glory of Your love
There is no shadow in Your presence
No mortal man would dare to stand before Your throne
Before the Holy One of heaven

It’s only by Your blood
And it’s only through Your mercy Lord, I come

I bring an offering of worship to my King
No One on earth deserves the praises that I sing
Jesus, may You receive the honor that You’re due
O Lord I bring an offering to You

Back

2007-12-23T00:08:00.000+08:00

What seemed at first to be a washout trip has, on reflection, turned out to be a really blessed time, moulded by His hands. During the first few days, I was just so tired... my mind was mostly a blank. Didn't know what I really wanted so I guess I didn't know if I was enjoying myself or what I could to do accomplish what I wanted... namely 1) seeking Him and 2) resting (not just physically!). Then there were conflicts and all... moody moments and a rebellious silent tantrum which made me feel really lousy about myself many times. But after much assurance by a precious friend that I was NOT lousy, those feelings just melted away.

I learnt quite a bit about my family... how God's been working in our lives and moulding each of us... and perhaps a glimpse into the kind of future God's preparing us for. Learned about my Mom... who she is, her shortcomings, why Dad loves her, how God uses her... and about my responses to her.

Other than that, I just really enjoyed the lack of planning I guess. Not at first - I was quite anxious to get 'rested' and 'recharged' and to seek Him... didn't want this trip to be 'wasted', so that the anxiety and resulting moods were my own undoing. But I learnt to really enjoy the process. Even the sleeping.

Today, having my breakfast, I couldn't help but start getting withdrawal symptoms, even while STILL in the apartment. I decided that I'd miss the swimming, shopping, bargaining, sitting in the car, watching movies in the apartment, critiquing art in the many art shops and galleries, talking with Hãi the driver... scrutinising fabrics for the tailor, queuing up at restaurants, getting cheated by locals at roadside stalls, screaming about Hady Mirza, chewing on the Bran cereal with sweetened milk, trying out Vietnamese and not understanding their replies... joking with Dad, walking back to the apartment from Saigon Center, cooking and washing the dishes, looking at buns and pastries at Kinh Do and Tour les Jours...

And we got an amazing view of the work of God in the country... an evangelical church service where 29 locals were getting baptised, a mass E event for Christmas by a collaboration of many groups (1st of its kind there!)... it was just amazing - a great privilege and pleasure!

So yes, amazingly, I really did enjoy myself! The coming 2 weeks will show if I was really rested indeed. Whatever the case, His grace is sufficient... and more than enough!

Will be trusting Him for the Patho CA, COFM patient write up and CHP. And looking forward to using my new shoes and tailored clothes. =D

He Restores My Soul

2007-12-16T18:51:00.000+08:00

Between 4am and 10.30am on Friday were the 6 and a half most difficult hours that I can remember. After shading the last circle of the MCQ answer sheet, I just didn't have anymore presence of mind to go through my answers again... so I spent the time scribbling down the lyrics of At The Cross (Hillsongs) and Dao3 Gao4 behind the cover page of the question booklet. Because I really really didn't know what else to think or to tell Him.

Someone pointed out that I've not been remembering stuff that I was told clearly over the past few days... and I made a mental connection to the fact that I really didn't have my brains with me when I took the clinical component of the end-of-posting test for Ortho. I had a REALLY lenient examiner who practically gave me the answers to many questions he'd planned to ask later when the prof would be around. And I was too dense to make use of them at all! I forgot what he'd hinted despite the fact that when he was hinting, I'd known what was happening and had pricked my ears up to listen and take down carefully what he'd said. I HAD done enough studying, and all the information was in my head... even the nice examiner could see that. But well, like I said, didn't bring my brains and ended up making a lot of "earth-shattering" statements. Thankfully, he said that he wouldn't fail me. Thank You Lord! You always know which examiners to give me ne? SO yes, I'm really at the end of my tether such that even my mental capacity is falling apart, and this break and retreat is MUCH. much needed. His grace has really been sufficient. And although in tough periods, it seems just enough, on hindsight, I've always been able to say that His grace is much more than I've ever wanted or imagined.

I've been listening to classical music over these few days... slow piano pieces really quieten my emotions. They still me on the inside. Even listening to Beethoven's Piano Sonata 8 'Pathetique'... I didn't feel sad at all, but felt much better. Then the fine and sometimes soaring strings of Handel's Passacaglia in G served to make my soul dance a little... made me vaguely ~~happy~~ better. Handel reminded me of the calm and the thrill of handbell-playing days... when I'd wake up in the mornings with the sound of bells resonating in my head. Pathetique was like the piano-stilled aftermath of an earth-shaking movie... think Kumo no Mukou... how the piano calmly chugs on while the nuclear bomb blanks the screen out in the background... the light slowly subsides and the main characters in the little plane drift away from the devastated land in absolute silence, a tearstreak or two running along their cheeks.

So yesterday and today, I had a really needed time of disengaging my mind from all the 'have-tos'... allowed the book When the Soul Listens on contemplative prayer to guide my meditation a bit... and went with the flow when I met up with Dad. It was really enjoyable, sitting with him in the backseat of the car, going to Big C to buy groceries, wandering from small activity to small activity in the air-con apartment. Had sweetened yoghurt, then sat down beside him as he turned the TV on to a movie called Soldier.

Lord, teach me how to let You restore my soul. Thank You for being my Rest.

Which is easier?

2007-12-11T11:45:00.000+08:00

I really wonder...

Sometimes, it seems difficult to believe God to change a person, a circumstance or the world... to give you what you ask for... to work a miracle on your physical body... to work things on the outside.

But I think it's really more difficult to believe Him to work things on the inside... like changing you to actually be humbler, giving you the strength to charge ahead when all you feel like doing is dying or just not *being*... because it's easier sometimes to imagine changes that happen on the outside - it's not too difficult to just imagine things happening like you would imagine a story... well sure, that's how it'd feel like NOT to have a sore throat. And I certainly could imagine a world where God's kingdom has come. Sure, I could certainly imagine getting good results, even the miracle that someone would decide to buy out my bond to send me to some unevangelised region sooner.

But I just cannot imagine what it'd be really like to be completely humble and yet totally spontaneous and at home with myself in God. No one has ever described an adequate account of what it would be like to BE humble from the inside perspective. I cannot imagine sometimes, having the needed strength to slog through another textbook... or storing up a library of academics in my head sufficient to pull out whatever references I need for an upcoming CA. I cannot imagine how I can be so loving that I would no longer think of myself at all, but my sole preoccupation in interactions is whether God is pleased and whether the other party's needs are met. I certainly cannot imagine how I could ever understand God's will so thoroughly that I'd be able to just command the guy at Gate Beautiful to just stand up and walk without months or even years of fasting just for that miracle. It is REALLY beyond me how *I* could stand up on stage and speak with authority and be 100% sure that every word that I said came from Him... How could I ever understand His will and authority enough that I can command the mountain to be moved into the ocean and not doubt? How would I know for certain that NOW is the time, that the kingdom of God is at hand... sure enough to burst out of the wilderness proclaiming the gospel, calling others to repent and make straight the way of the Lord?

So I guess it's really harder for one to believe that his sins are forgiven than to rise up and walk. We often think it's easier, but at the heart of things, so many of us haven't yet gotten that simple foundation of faith sorted out.

Lord, work the miracle of miracles in me. Change me. Help me to know how to step out in faith... to believe that You WILL give me the strength to do the things I need to do and the assurance of Your will... to believe that You are somehow moulding me into Your spitting image, as impossible as it sometimes seems, as ugly as I sometimes look to me.

This Bumbling Sheep

2007-12-10T13:32:00.000+08:00

"Our unfinished business with God disturbs us within and won't leave us alone. Recurring sins don't go away. Feelings of inadequacy never end. Lack of purity plagues us. These things make us afraid to face God in prayer. Who wants to see a disapproving look on the face of God? Uneasy questions drive us away from God: Shouldn't I feel ashamed of asking God's forgiveness over and over for the same sin? Is God tired of me? Is there hope for me? When will all these sermons click and I'll finally stop snapping at my kids or yelling at other drivers on the road?

"In contemplation I envision myself as the lost sheep whom the Shepherd has come to find (Luke 15:1-7). I ask these questions as the Shepherd carries me home on his shoulders: I've been found, but am I still welcome? Am I still included in the fold? Am I still a vessel God can use? I'm reassured to be sitting on the shoulders of a Shepherd who's planning to throw a party for this bumbling sheep (Luke 15:6)."

Another beautiful passage by Jan Johnson!

"Most of us go through life praying a little, planning a little, jockeying for position, hoping but never quite certain of anything, and always secretly afraid that we will miss the way."
- "The Wisdom of God" from The Knowledge of The Holy by A. W. Tozer

When The Soul Listens

2007-12-08T12:16:00.000+08:00

I'm reading a book When the Soul Listens by Jan Johnson now. What struck me about it was how much her experiences of contemplative prayer sounded just like what I'd been going through. I've been telling people lately of the experience I had before Pharmaco CA, during which I sat in the canteen and stoned in God's presence, meditating intermittently on Zephaniah 3:17... and here's that she writes in the book:

"Life pulls me in so many directions - between the demands of my work, my husband's plans, the kids' needs, commitments outside our home, dreams I want to pursue... I may say I'm 'thirsty for God as the deer is for water,' but at the moment I need to get my hair cut. However, when I pause to contemplate and be with God, I sense that this God who holds the universe together can also hold me together. In the quiet, I recall how God has helped me in the past. Without the clamor of demands around me, I remember that I am one God so loves.
.
.
.
"I longed to experience a gatheredness of being on that rock in the middle of the stream."

Meltdown

2007-12-07T00:33:00.000+08:00

Today, after lunch, I totally didn't have the capacity to do so many things that occurred to me to do. I was kinda zonked out I guess. Or maybe it's just a different way of handling things, when I've learnt to trust Him more. I just didn't have the strength to respond to people the way I normally would have... or to think about stuff like ST evaluation, or what would help people or how to love people and show them that I appreciate them.

Maybe it's so tiring for me to express myself because of how complex and yet intense my feelings often are, and expression just seems too inadequate... and because I value truth so much, all my effort to accurately convey my feelings for people just makes interactions with people drain me. I DO enjoy them... very much that I keep laughing at people... not because they're hilarious or comical, but because it's really just an outlet to express a lot of intense feelings of love and appreciation that swirl around inside.

Anyway, met YK today after a really long break. She was particularly concerned about my personal life today, asking about how I was planning to spend my coming trip, and praying that I'd be able to really encounter God during it. She addressed revivals... and how a lot of the revivalists conveyed their message through passionate writings and speeches. Felt kinda bad about not having thought through the Bible Study enough, because she pointed out SO many things that made what I'd come up with look pathetic. Anyway, she said lots more that made me feel... dunno... validated? Not sure. Felt better after it though. Was really grateful for that time with her.

Couldn't gather my thoughts for Harvest Rally sharing during the meeting in the evening. Didn't quite know where I was going... it felt really disorganised and all over the place and Uh, what's your point? My greatest concern was that I was too zonked that I wasn't consciously communing with God throughout the meeting. But I had to remind myself that God had prepared for that, knowing that I would have wanted to totally surrender to Him and say only what He wanted me to say. That God still rejoices over me with singing, of course. So I believe what was needed was done.

I've never felt so drained, capacity-wise, before. And yet, His strength is really made perfect in my weakness, cos things STILL get done... I still pass tests, love people and lead, and when I look back, it's quite a substantial list of achievements that surpasses what I'd been used to. And frankly, I've no idea how all this happens. So it's really not me.

Thank You Lord, for helping me to pass my Medicine end-of-posting test! And quite well too. Thank You for giving me strength. Thank You for answering my prayers and turning people around me... well, around! Thank You for today's meetings.

And you know what? I think I've finally figured out what the crucible is! Or rather, what the fire is. For a while, I've been thinking to myself that this valley season must be a crucible of sorts. It really didn't look like it was due to some cherished sin or any backsliding, no matter how I examined it. Also, encouragement from friends and books have assured me so. But for the longest while I couldn't figure out just WHAT the crucible was about. Everything about me seems to be going fine, so HOW can I say that I'm being "tried" by God? What IS trying me anyway? Just felt really pathetic that I was getting "emotionally drained" and I couldn't put a finger to it at all. Seemed like an intermittent assortment of events... but why was I still so prone to feeling down between them? People go through trauma, deaths of loved ones, major illness, and so on before they start feeling this way... or so I think. But yesterday, it all came together... I think. And He's telling me that He's pleased.

I really hope that the end is near in His plan. I certainly think I'm getting warmer.

Prayers

2007-12-05T16:09:00.000+08:00

I've never felt so peaceful for a test before. Well, perhaps it didn't have a very large weightage. Anyway, I didn't study as much. Just read through about once very quickly, then went through those things that particularly nagged at me. Then the rest of the hour before the test, I just sat in the canteen stoning in His presence. The wind blew very strongly, and I felt really tired and weak, but really comfortable, thinking about Zephaniah 3:17 again, in the comfy and thick long-sleeved Lawman.

Met up with Eug and Chris to pray today... another sleep-in-weather day. It was drizzling slightly... a cool breeze was blowing, and we sat at the new mini-canteen at TTSH sharing, then praying. I think I shared too much. But never mind... I enjoyed the time of prayer.

Listening to Ross Parsley's Hear Us From Heaven on the way back home today, my heart broke again. When, Lord?

Lord, hear our cry
Come heal our land
Breathe life into these dry and thirsty souls

Lord, hear our prayer
Forgive our sin
As we call on Your name
Would You make this a place for Your glory to dwell

Open the blind eyes
Unlock the deaf ears
Come to Your people
As we draw near

Hear us from heaven
Touch our generation
We are Your people
Crying out in desperation

My Reason For Running

2007-12-03T10:09:00.000+08:00

Yesterday's run was quite an experience. Actually, the biggest highlight was my reason for running that I'd pinned up behind... that "He rejoices over me with singing". And I guess meditating on that fact just really made me happy. I was expressing myself so freely that I kept talking with JW until around the 8km mark. And Evan commented that I had a really high word count. Guess it was one of the times when I really felt fully myself and Home. So... if I'm at Home and I'm that noisy... it really increases my certainty that I am supposed to be an extrovert.

And I really wouldn't have made it... at least, I would have been MUCH slower, had it not been for JW and Weiqiang cheering me on, slowing their pace drastically for me, singing happy songs and joking. Especially JW who had to run back every time I lagged as we approached the finish.

So yes, He takes great delight in me. He quiets me with His love. He rejoices over me with singing.

A Lousy Feeling & A Loving Reminder

2007-12-01T19:15:00.000+08:00

I guess I'm really an obsessive person. Whatever I do, I get so totally immersed in it. Thank God there's niche for me where I can be obsessive and extreme without any moderation and NOT be wrong in the least bit, but in fact very right.

Yesterday, I had a new experience. I'd never felt so lousy before... at least not that I remember (although my memory is really unreliable for such things). I felt totally sick... totally WRONG spiritually, emotionally, mentally and even physically. But in each case, I couldn't put a finger to what was wrong. If ever there's such a thing as an ominous premonition, I think that was the closest that I ever came to it. Only it wasn't a premonition, because nothing bad happened. Or maybe something was about to happen but was averted because I'd spent the time completely focusing on God, praying and waiting upon Him... and I did cover people who were close to me in prayer. So well, maybe I'll never find out what that was about.

I realise that I lose lousy feelings like this easily with distraction. And I'm the kind of person who DOESN'T like distraction because it just glosses over any potentially real issues and delays the solving of those problems. If I have a problem with someone I've totally opened myself up to, I usually try to trash things out. So yeah, many people just cannot take me I guess. I'm very grateful to those who've borne all this intensity. Including my family, even though they generally think they don't have a choice.

So yeah, because of yesterday's absolute inability to concentrate (couldn't even concentrate on 'fun' stuff... Bible reading, doodling or talking to a friend), I didn't study for today's OSCE at all. Just depended on tutorials, asked around... ok, I studied a bit by glancing at my notebook. Well, nobody fails. But I think I didn't do badly at all. God gave me really nice examiners too. I guess I wasn't nervous at all! In fact, I'm probably more excited about tomorrow's run. Perhaps I AM improving in this aspect of dealing with exams with godly emotions... no worries, but no levity either. Maybe it's just about committing things to God very seriously.

Setting up the photo exhibition was fun actually. Hopefully, not just because it was 'distracting' (perhaps a much needed distraction then). Designing the "author's" introduction was fun too. Hm... should I just shut out photography? (Perhaps except for holidays.) Or should I explore it and whether God wants me to handle my extreme-ness differently?

Dad and bro want to wake up to send me to Clementi Stadium at 4.45am tomorrow for the run. I was quite incredulous. Dad usually doesn't like being woken up to be asked stuff at night, even if it's urgent, because it disrupts his sleep, especially in view of work the next day. Maybe it's cos it's a Sunday and he's feeling more relaxed. Bro wants to eat roti prata at Al Ahmeen... at that time! He's not even running, so why's he carbo-loading? Oh, I forget, he does that all the time.

Don't know why I just feel like rambling on the blog, even though I really don't mind that no one reads. This is strange. I've been strange lately... or perhaps, since March. So lately's been a long time.

Today, God reminded me that He loves me no matter what. No matter if I'm on top of things and so totally "in control" and not surrendering to Him... or if I'm low and down in the dumps... He loves me whether I'm productive and shining as a typical "good example", or whether I'm dropping balls I cannot even begin to count when my capacity has just totally shrunk (oh but I guess it's grown). He loves me infinitely much whether I'm healthy and happy and have no need of pity or help, or whether I'm sick and irritable and not doing my quiet time. He loves me whether I'm bossy and dominant or whether I'm worn out or zoned out and lacking all initiative. He doesn't mind that I'm already so blessed... with a family that became affluent, 2 of the best parents, a great church, top schools, really unusual intelligence, great potential at EVERYthing I try my hand at, great friends, medical school, no genetic problems or chronic diseases that I'm susceptible to, a RICH spiritual heritage... the list goes on. He doesn't think at all that because I have all this already, He'd stop blessing me as much... because He knows the truth that despite ALL this, I'd be a pauper without His love. And I die everyday just thinking about how much I need Him. Not literally die, but the intensity of my need is just so great, I've no other word that comes to mind.

So often, I struggle with the question... why am I born with so much? Why do I have all this and not have to go through so much adversity and poverty to have this level of spiritual maturity? (Maybe that's pride, but if I sincerely think so and don't admit it, I'm fooling no one but myself. And if it's true, I believe I can move on better and use my talents more wisely if I acknowledge it, so I can also acknowledge that He gave me that grace.) What made me choose Him and not something else? What is my character and my choice? I could easily chosen wrongly. In the end, it really just seems that it's about how He made me. Like the ostrich that leaves its young and doesn't care that it might die. She foolishly makes the choice to leave the nest. But she wasn't made to be wise in that... she was made to run.

I've at least 2 close friends who've gone through much adversity in life. Hm. Maybe more. Many friends who've gone through much adversity of many kinds, that I've not even tasted in my life. If ever there've been rough seasons in my life, it's always been because I was struggling with temptation and made the wrong choices. So yeah... whenever I dwell on such life stories, even those in the book True Grit, I can't help but see how much God loves them. So much. So often has His love for them captured my thoughts and imagination and brought tears to my eyes. But when I look back at myself, it's a big log in my eye I need to look past. Like how you can see how beautiful and amazing everyone around you are. But when you look down at yourself, because of the bad angle, your legs look stubby. Your nose is nothing spectacular. And your hair always sends out messy strands from somewhere above your eyes... just beyond your field of vision. If you looked at yourself in a mirror, and thought yourself a stranger, it would be very different. Much closer to how God views you, probably (depending out how renewed your mind is then).

Azusa

2007-11-29T09:31:00.000+08:00

>_> Yes, I've heard of facebook. Being out of touch with reality has its limits.

*ROTFL* Haha... I've forgotten just HOW endearingly funny you can be! Sorry, just had to post this cos it made me laugh (but I stifled it!) during lecture. Bet it's catching you by surprise. ^_^

Meandering

2007-11-25T22:22:00.000+08:00

Collected the race pack today. Well, it's something I'm sufficiently looking forward to... a small miracle for this season actually. In fact, I think it's something that I'd feel God smiling down at me over. But I wonder why it has to be right in the middle of an onslaught of tests and exams. Just makes me vaguely testy indeed! Yeah, had that word restored to my vocabulary by Chris... who in turn learnt it from someone else... can't remember whom.

---

It's been a really nice time with my bro these 2 weeks, with my parents off to Vietnam. I guess he's really God's provision for my needs. There's nothing serious that I can really share with him, because he wouldn't really get it, nor can he help. So I've just spent the time talking about other stuff, and bask in His and his love. Like a balm, kinda. Only I've never liked the balms I've seen available locally.

---

What a season of seeking it's been. A bit like Ender having his monitor out, and always feeling like he's looking for something and never being able to pinpoint quite what, but then he's got to remind himself that he actually DOES know what it is that he's looking for... his monitor, of course. (I find it ridiculous how much that book influenced me. A good 7 years and counting.)

But I'm looking for One that WILL be found. Or rather, a part of Him. Just don't know how to seek. Gosh, what DOES one do to seek anyway? Even if I set aside time... even a whole 24 hours, I've NO idea whatsoever how I'm gonna spend it. I wouldn't know where to start. Ok, I guess I'd have a few things to start with. Perhaps it's about just starting with what I know.

Or is it also Bob Sorge's book about being In His Face?

I BluTack-ed the poster on Isaiah 40:31 that my DG girls gave on my birthday up on the wall in front of my desk. A really strange thing occurred recently, during which my eyes were just caught by it, and I couldn't draw them away, and I just kept reading the words over and over and over again, breaking down the nouns and verbs and the phrases and intentions. And well, I guess it just told me that as I wait on Him, it's supposed to be equal to renewing my strength. (ie. waiting = renewing)

But I've been so spent. Today's rebound was amazing actually... never expected it. Still, I somehow wonder how deep this lot of strength goes. From where have I been drawing my strength? I've been deliberately making the decision to draw it from God, but how much does that equate to drawing from Him in reality?

Not being able to see where I'm going doesn't quite help either. It just makes me even less certain about whether I DO have enough strength because it's an indefinite distance ahead to travel. It's tempting to just settle for what has worked in the past... but then I guess God's just making it not enough for me so I can pursue more. Sure, I could always decide to meet up with people, to minister, to teach, to crusade and to intercede, but now, it's something more that I'm looking for. Not different or 'greater' things than these... but a different way of doing them perhaps? The closest I came to it was when I read Bob Sorge's book on "Glory, When Heaven Invades Earth". It taught me that we were not just made for God's presence... but also for His GLORY. Have I been looking for Glory indeed?

It's like God's been taking away the superficial joy to help me start asking Him for something way deeper and greater.

---

And yeah, on a side note, God's somehow been using Bob Sorge to just speak to me at all the right times. I've read 4 books of his, and since I was led to the first one by a divine constellation of happenings, each book has just addressed me so personally and specifically about what I was going through for that season. Hm.

---

It's interesting how God's been teaching me about fear... how a part of it is external, and the rest is internal. And it was mighty satisfying when He showed me how He scoffed at His enemies and kinda picked it up by its butt to dump it in the junk pile, not to bother me again. It was really the clearest incident (that I can remember at least) when I exchanged sword strokes so distinctly in this realm, and won so ridiculously well!

---

This latest incident has been the most puzzling. If there was any change or breakthrough, I've yet to perceive it. Other times, I could sense lessons learnt, commitments made, intimacy known and love deepened. But this time, I was just tired and sad. Spent. For now, at least.

"When you come to the end of yourself, I will come."

Well, maybe it's good after all.

---

A million and one things that just make me wanna scream (oh, but I'm too tired to). But it's not like the perpetrators have done it on purpose. Not like they even know what they do... no, in fact, they're trying their best. Who's to blame? Must be worth the good things that're coming, in that case. It's really tough meanwhile. But I'm alive and kicking, true to His promise.

---

A moribund blog post that crumbled to pieces. How reflective... (which blog post isn't so anyway?)

Sorry for being so cryptic. I hope I still understand myself when I read this again, if ever. (Ok, this section sounded sinister, but no I didn't mean it that way, don't worry. Just that there're some blog posts I've never read again, at least until now.)

Season

2007-11-20T00:57:00.000+08:00

Today was the first time in a long time that I've walked around so acutely feeling in the pits of my soul like the dying African girl whose photo Kevin Carter took.

It's only these few days when I've become really sick of life apart from Him... and not just sick of things that're wholly apart, but even things that merely HINT of apart-ness. A kind of otherwise psychotic pursuit for something, not just higher, but Highest. And the higher you go, the more remote it gets... the lonelier it is... the thinner the air gets, and I can almost feel in my bones the death that I carry around in me, like Paul did.

Another thing. Have you ever felt, as you watch someone beautifully expressing oneself and being rightly appreciated by the world, that you can SO identify with it? That you'd been there and you'd been that beautiful...only not appreciated?

Like seeing a product sold, that you'd once designed for a Technopreneurship competition. Only that your product wasn't bought over by a company, and THIS product, you DIDN'T design... at least so the world thinks. Or like hearing a song over the radio that you'd once composed in your dreams and hummed to your choirmaster... Only that the only thing he ever did for you was to smile politely and briefly say, "That's nice," before getting distracted once again... Only that this radio song wasn't composed by you.

Like people getting excited over a baby's photos, saying that he's particularly cute and absolutely adorable... and you peer over and discover, quite incredulously, that they looked exactly like your OWN photos. Only these aren't yours. Only you can't very well jump up and down now to declare that you once looked just like that. Why? Because even to do so would add an element of suspect jealousy... even self-glory... and push people to the point of ~~disdain~~ dismissal. Because it's pathetic. Because it wasn't your season, and is not now. And is not to be.

Myers-Briggs & Multiple Intelligences

2007-11-13T23:02:00.001+08:00

Things Fall Apart

2007-11-13T21:32:00.000+08:00

The title reminds me of a book I've read lately called Epic by John Eldredge... in which he quotes many stories and works of literature. It was done quite subtly and if you never heard of those books you wouldn't have known that he was referring to them.

Anyway, the real reason why things are falling apart is because over the past 5 days,
1) my flush pump broke down
2) the study room's fresh water pipe started leaking into the ceiling
3) we discovered the kitchen's infested by termites

So fine, I got a new flush (yay for me)... but since the study room's pipe is leaking, Dad has shut off the water supply to our entire home and we're back to using water from a pail. EXCEPT for stipulated bathing times when the whole family bathes... that's when he turns it on. And well, the termites in the canned food cupboard in the kitchen's caused my Mom to take everything out and forced her to throw away things that are overdue (and many of them are a few years overdue!).

On one hand, there's inconvenience. But on the other hand, I'm glad for it. It's been a check on where I've been placing my security. I think it'll hit Mom hardest... let's just say that she really treasures this home a LOT, whereas my Dad, bro and I have absolutely no qualms about shifting out into a smaller place.

It also reminded me of the discipleship group session, during which Evan asked us what 3 things we would take with us should an emergency arise in which we needed to abandon our homes (eg. terrorist attack). I suppose we might need to sell our homes in an economic downturn or during war too... or if I'm gonna go overseas and be a missionary... then I'd need to give up this form of security.

So I started thinking if I was indeed placing any sense of security whatsoever in my home. Well, I guess it's undeniable that I do... and it's inevitable in fact. But that doesn't mean that I wouldn't be ready to just up and go. I'll just have to wait until it happens though. In some senses, I might actually look forward to it... that crazy part within me that just aches for something new all the time.

So which 3 items? I'll play cheat... I'll take 4...
1) Handphone
2) Wallet
3) Journals
4) Hard Disk Drive
If I got these 4, I wouldn't cry too much I guess.

Time & Love

2007-11-08T15:44:00.000+08:00

I think what I've been learning this year about my use of time is this:

Time is not to be managed, but SURRENDERED.

That's the only way I've ever been able to make full use of my time AND get everything done AND still feel rested, with sufficient time to pursue Him 100%... and even have more than enough left over for leisure.

The other thing that I've been pondering is about love... I think the reason why I fail to love others so often is because I try too hard to love them (aka out of my own strength)... and only end up doing so with a martyr's/Martha's complex. The times I've succeeded in loving them such that their needs are met are not when I've acted out of love, but acted out of BEING LOVED.

It's All Coming Back To Me

2007-11-06T02:03:00.000+08:00

Haha... yes, that Celine Dion song occurred to me today, after I had 2 very fulfilling sharing sessions with 2 beloved friends, and a very nice time of prayer where I sorta came 'unstuck'. But yes, it's been a season of restoration for me... and I really think that the Word for me now is, "It is time."

Have you not known?

2007-11-02T09:31:00.000+08:00

It's been a really physically tiring week... ward rounds start at 7.30am and it's on the opposite end of the island, so being a relatively-night person and with long days, it's left me with little time to my own devices.

Took a trip down to mass media yesterday and had a no-holds-barred shopping spree for books for the rest of next year. So I'll be eating into my savings next month =D Rearranged my book shelf too... there's now a lot of space, which makes me happy.

It's just occurred to me that the StandChart run is in about a month's time and I've not been training for it. Oh well.

Actually, a lot of things have been occurring to me over this week... unchecked things on my to-do list. COFM patient home visit, log books, calling people, etc... and one of the biggest things is ministry. After someone asked me a question today, I realise that I've been quite discouraged with regards to an issue that's been nonetheless weighing heavily on my heart. I thought I'd grown tired... that I'd stopped wanting it as much, but on the way to Mass Media yesterday, the tears were evidence that that wasn't so. The difference now is due to two reasons... firstly that I've been discouraged because many things aren't happening... secondly that there're larger obstacles in time and space to overcome than before, and it's very tempting to feel small and lament, before even trying, that I just don't have the time and energy to do it.

But why do I say,
“My way is hidden from the LORD,
And my just claim is passed over by my God”?
    Joanne, have you not known?
    Have you not heard?
    The everlasting God, the LORD,
    The Creator of the ends of the earth,
    Neither faints nor is weary.
    His understanding is unsearchable.
    He gives power to the weak,
    And to those who have no might He increases strength.
    Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
    And the young men shall utterly fall,
    But those who wait on the LORD
    Shall renew their strength;
    They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
    They shall run and not be weary,
    They shall walk and not faint.

So well, I need to wait, according to the verse. But Lord, what do You mean by wait? I had the impression You were calling me to do things in a certain way... perhaps it was but for a season? Guide me Lord. But on what You've deposited into me yesterday I will act. Give me a time to do so, and the words... and the preparation of heart of all involved.

A Privilege & A Joy

2007-10-21T22:19:00.000+08:00

I had my end-of-posting test yesterday. Throughout the duration, while waiting between long and short case stations, I couldn't help but think that it is really a great joy and privilege to be taking the examination... to study for it... even to be under pressure for it. As I meditated on God's Word, about how Holy and Awesome and Majestic He is, it made me really thrilled to be examined in a way most people would think stressful. It was an incredible feeling of victory and joy I had, even as I took the test, and I thank God that by His grace I've grown so much and drawn so much closer to Him during this posting... I've had a number of breakthroughs for issues that I'd been struggling with since March. I'd say I've grown in joy. And it was all worth it, and He is all praiseworthy.

During the test, He kept prompting me to speak, not out of my need to de-stress (it was really tempting to suddenly become orally unretentive, or otherwise twitchy and unsettled, or withdrawn, because of the emotional pressure inside me). He prompted me to observe... to meet others' needs... to love... to intercede. And that was when the victory came, and I wasn't anxious anymore, but kinda overflowing with excitement and thanks. All the negative excitement from dread of possible poor results was suddenly turned into joyful excitement and anticipation... a most amazing experience.

And this morning, I woke up really joyful, and grateful for EVERYTHING... for family, church, home, friends, education, even all the trying situations... I was SO SO SO thankful to know Him... that all these things were orchestrated that I might know Him more. Such grace! Such a pleasure! Such a passionate pursuing love that He's showered on me!

Even though the test was just yesterday morning, and I had but 1.5 days before the next posting started, and although it's been 4 months since the last break, I was so ready to face the next day, come challenges, school, pleasures, friendships, ministry and whatever else, because above all this, is Him! Jesus Christ, Creator of the world, wonderful Counsellor, Prince of peace, everlasting Father, Commander in chief of the Lord's armies, God with us, Almighty God, Lord of lords and King of kings, the only Righteous, Holy and True Judge, Love, Saviour, the Great I AM, the First and the Last, the Way, the Truth and the Life, Faithful One, Lover of my soul, Author and Finisher of my faith, my Portion and my Lot, Strength of my heart, my Hope of glory, my Joy and my Delight, (bestest) Friend, Husband!

What breakthroughs I've received just by meditating on His majesty and who He is. Still, this is an area I'm sorely lacking in and I need to keep it up. God help me to think of You!

Drenched In Joy

2007-10-10T17:27:00.000+08:00

If I've learnt anything this year, it's probably to be joyful even in the darkest valley seasons. Ying Kheng's message last Life Meeting on Ecclesiastes really taught me quite a few things. Solomon searched for a woman who would satisfy him, but even after having 700 wives and 300 concubines, he found not one that he was 100% happy with. Indeed, it is wisdom to receive the gift of joy in everyday simplicities from God. And it is because of Him that I can also be happy in my labour and toil. So yes, even as I study for my medicine end-of-posting test, compounded by emotional struggles, misunderstandings and hurts, horrific discoveries of the ugliness and inadequacies of my flesh, I can and shall rejoice and be joyful, because that is God's gift to me - His grace that is sufficient.

And if anything, this is the season that God has appointed me to go through drenched in joy. After a tutor likened another girl in my CG and me to a "rabbit" (because of our scared response to the examiner), I was reminded of that bolded phrase.
In C.S. Lewis' beautiful words...
We are to be re-made. All the rabbit in us is to disappear - the worried, conscientious, ethical rabbit as well as the cowardly and sensual rabbit. We shall bleed and squeal as the handfuls of fur come out; and then, surprisingly, we shall find underneath it all a thing we have never yet imagined: a real Man, an ageless god, a son of God, strong, radiant, wise, beautiful, and drenched in joy.
- C.S. Lewis, "Man or Rabbit?" in God in the Dock
Thank You Lord, for You are gonna remake me into a new creation, into something so beautiful I have never yet imagined!

I am to come out of this so overflowingly victorious, that I can be even more joyful in my darkest season than others without Him are in their best season. And that is the victory that Paul frequently declares in Philippians, to rejoice in the Lord always, to be singing and rejoicing in the dungeon at the midnight hour, for I do, indeed, have much to rejoice in.

The other thing I've been learning of late is to speak out of the other person's need, not out of mine... to speak not to get the upper-hand in a conversation or a situation, but to love... not to pursue power and have "loving people" as one of the reasons for it, but to LOVE PEOPLE and to let God's power pursue me because of it.
Like Jesus did when He washed His disciples' feet, I wanna learn to do that which no one else wants to do, but which is most needed... to do what no one else expects me to do, or knows to do themselves.

Other insights from Ecclesiastes, highlighted by YK:

He who loves a thing will not be satisfied by it, so be careful what you love!

Be pretty while you can. Pursue and serve God while you can. Don't wait until you are working to do these, because you never will if you don't start practising now.

He is a fool who doesn't work.
He is also a fool who works and doesn't rest.
He is the greatest fool who works for no reason and for no one!

Blood

2007-09-27T20:25:00.000+08:00

I really value people being on the same 'side' as me (believing in me... not necessarily agreeing on things like intellectual arguments or workstyle, but at a deeper character level). I'm brutally honest with myself, so that there'd be no need for others to be brutal with me, because I'm such a sucker for intimacy and oneness. I don't like harshness or pushings away, or sarcastic senses of humour or scathing humour directed against people (objects or situations are a different matter though). Not that I'd look down on people who do so in any way, or even that I'd not hang around such people... some people I love are like that from time to time (eg. family). But I just get a disproportionately adverse inward emotional reaction to such things and I really don't enjoy myself that much.

Been recovering from some major emotional ~~wounds~~ bruises. Have processed out some thoughts and acknowledged that just because someone is hurting, it doesn't mean that it's anyone else's fault. Don't we all get self-inflicted wounds anyway? Don't we all make mistakes and get ourselves into a mess & need some sympathy and rescuing? I need to let God give me His sympathies, comfort, stroking and love, so that I can also freely give these away to the one who needs it, even if it's for a self-inflicted wound. That's what Jesus must have done when He, the Rescuer, was ~~likewise~~ much more hurt and had to save the assailants who were hurting both Him and themselves and in need of rescuing.

Some people say that we should totally forget the wrongs that are done us, because "love does not take into account a wrong suffered". Yet, in the Bible, God clearly records all the ways that we've wronged Him... all the injustices and unfaithfulness, and paints to us a picture of how WE have wronged Him too. Yet, it's understandable because then we'd know just how much we are loved by Him. If there were no records, we'd never understand how much love it takes to love us.

So I've decided that it's sometimes find to write and keep records of the sins I've chosen to forgive. To remind myself that it WAS bad, but also that I chose to forgive and to love. To see that I was hurt and had no way of forgiving, but that somehow He always turned things around and helped me see things differently, so that it always became an intimate experience with Him when I forgave. C. S. Lewis wrote that forgiveness is not excusing the sin and not counting it as sin... nor is it forgetting. It is acknowledging that it IS grievous sin that hurt and cost much, and yet waiving away any need for reparation. Ok, so I had some my of own input there in the phrasing. But yeah, God keeps no records of what we OWE Him, but what He GAVE us, which is reflected in the record of what we ~~took~~ stole from Him.

Friend

2007-09-27T00:36:00.000+08:00

Been getting much closer to my brother these few weeks... tonight's conversation was wonderful. For once in a long while, I don't feel like there's only ONE person in the whole world who's consistently supporting me, because I've found a confidant & friend in my brother too.

But it's interesting because with another supporter comes the other problem of not cross-sharing lives as wholly with either. For instance, there're things that one close friend might say that I can't share with my brother and vice versa anymore, now that conversations have come this far.

In the end, God's the only one who gets everything still.

3 Things I Cannot Stand

2007-09-21T23:57:00.000+08:00

Not to sound like a verse from Proverbs, but after an incident happened today that left me wondering why I reacted so badly to it, even though it should technically be a small matter, I realised 3 things that really got me bad:
1) Undue harshness (when the one being scolded didn't mean to do anything wrong at all)
2) Careless levity (like trying to sweep matters important to another under the carpet)
3) Incongruity (between word and action... aka hypocrisy)

It's namely due to some very bad experiences growing up... in kindergarten and at home.

Besides that, attended Connect Conference by Campus Crusade & Navigators tonight. Was really really glad to see everyone... Jo, Sara, Sarah, YX (2 of them actually), Kathy, etc... AND ANNE!!! Haha. Can't wait for tomorrow. Although, I AM very tired.

Mature?

2007-09-20T10:55:00.000+08:00

Now I've a huge pink ball rolling around my room. Decided to get the gym ball after hearing about the many stunts one can pull with it ^-^. But mainly for sitting on to make my back muscles work for better posture. I got it at only $18.90 at the NUS Bazaar! It's >$70 even for medical students at hospitals' pharmacies. *bounce bounce bounce* Whee~~

Anyway, I've been feeling really peaceful lately. Not done much studying, and heard that quite a number of people failed the Gen Med posting. I asked God specifically that I would pass, that I would get all cases that I knew to do, that I would kinda know what I'd get if He wanted me to prepare specifically, that I would get sure-pass examiners, although I don't know who these might be (I only know who a sure-fail examiner might be and prayed that I wouldn't get him).

And I was pondering this.

Perhaps the difference between maturity and immaturity is simply knowledge, not a change in action. Maturity is to know that you could be hurt, yet love anyway... to know that it would be tiring and upsetting, yet try anyway... to be aware that it would be disappointing, yet hope anyway... to guess that you might never find an answer, yet ask anyway. For anything else, 'maturity' would be but a euphemism for 'jadedness'.

Loving People

2007-09-07T20:51:00.000+08:00

I've just used up the journal that Ann gave me for my birthday! Almost half of it was spent during Campus Mission alone. Now I'm moving on to the plain black covered, A5 book by A'zone I think... Cartridge book.

I love the tutorials I'm getting at AH. God really hand-picked the tutors for me!

After Lif mentioned the Harvest Rally yesterday, and after sleeping over it, I woke up this morning with a very organised list of why we need another Harvest Rally, and was bursting with conviction about the need for it and how to go about doing it. It is time.

Looking forward to Prayer Committee & Servant Team meetings tomorrow. Lord, Lord, Lord. Lord, I need You. Take over.

I need to be reading up more for Medicine. Lots more! Clerked a patient with Chronic Obstructive Lung Disease, and presented to a tutor, which was a disaster because I knew absolutely nothing (or close to nothing) on it because I'd not read up.

On clerking patients, I've still not gotten used to the idea that I won't get all that much time or opportunity to love my patients. It's difficult to let the patients know that you really care, especially since you're there to find out more about their condition... I certainly don't wanna be a hypocrite, being nice and sucking up to them just so they'd let me examine them for a sign. But I just don't know what I can do for them. So for now, the best I'm doing is to ask them more about how they're doing... whether they've eaten... has anyone come to visit them... how do they spend their time...

There was a patient with Down's Syndrome today, and I could see how special he was to God... how very special he was. But I just didn't know what I could do for him... he was non-communicative, so I don't even know if a cup of cold water would have helped.

And it's like that too for many friends. I guess, if anything, God's been showing me this year that He HAS grown me in love... that His work in me is not unfruitful, but that He's deposited a good reserve of love in me. But even in expressing it, I'll have to wait upon Him to provide and to open doors.

Kevin Carter

2007-09-05T21:41:00.001+08:00

I've been reading True Grit, a free book posted to me by Operation Mobilisation on request. It's a collection of stories of brave women who set out to change the world for the better, with statistics of all the evil, injustices and inequalities in the world. It really broke my heart and gave me a wider perspective of the extent of suffering people go through all over the world. It helped me to understand the need for revival... when your vision of the world gets bigger, you see how much we need His touch, and that need becomes a desperate one.

by Kevin Carter, winner of the 1994 Pulitzer Prize for Feature Photography
"I am haunted by the vivid memories of killings & corpses & anger & pain ... of starving or wounded children, of trigger-happy madmen, often police, of killer executioners..."
-Kevin Carter (suicide note)

Read about his life: The Life and Death of Kevin Carter

Beautiful World / Kiss & Cry

2007-09-02T15:04:00.000+08:00

Oh, Hikki's got a new release! Sounds cool from the PV snippet. Have been so out of touch with her, so I only caught it on aatash's blog.

According to the website, Beautiful World is for Neon Genesis Evangelion and Kiss & Cry is for some Nissin cup noodle TV commercial O_o
Eh, shouldn't it be the other way around?

They'll be up until 16 Sep.

The Guardian on Teachers' Day

2007-09-01T13:02:00.000+08:00

I didn't realise how tired I was this week until I found my appointments being postponed and understood that it was God's doing because I felt a deep sense of relief... felt that that time to myself was much needed. I guess I'd worn myself out over the first few days with miscellaneous meet-ups, clerking my COFM patient, LM and Welcome Tea... and it didn't even occur to me that I'd be tired.

Incidentally, I really gotta find some way to kick the stupid habit of um-ing between speaking, especially when I'm presenting cases to the examiner or when I'm on the mic. I was really irritated by the number of um's I had during welcome tea as I watched the video. Ugh.

Am now watching Costner's The Guardian... on Teachers' Day. And I don't know if I've learnt it, but it's certainly made me wanna do this... to recognise myself in others... to appreciate my beauty and strength, so I can also appreciate it in others... to not feel threatened but to give myself up, to be the person they step on so they can reach higher, that they may surpass and surprise me.

So now, I'd like to shout a big
THANK YOU!to all the teachers & shepherds who've impacted me in the past... even though almost all of them won't read this, my prayers go out to them... in as full a name as I remember should they somehow do a search on their name and find this.
Pastor Rony Tan, Pastor Clarence Goh, Aunty Jenny, Uncle Nicholas, Aunty Maggie, Ms Png, Ms Eng, Ms Yee, Ms Aileen Tan, Mr Ting Huat Seng, Ms Cleophina Chan, Mrs Julie Hoo, Mrs Edith See, Ms Teo Jin Ling, Ms Tay May Yin, Mrs Lily Kwan, Ms Tan Jen Fu, Ms Claudia Ting, Engie Ho, Chun Leck, Joseph Patrick, Kenny Rason Tan, Ms Michelle Tang, Ms Ng Swee Pheng, Pastor Pacer Tan, Elisa Cheng, Evangeline Yeh, Prof Paul Ananth Tambyah, Prof Pang Weng Sun, Lau Ying Kheng
I hope I didn't forget anyone.

"I won't let go."

If people are fighting so hard to fish the last man out of the depths of the ocean for this life, can't we fight harder to fish the last one out of hell for eternity?

Oh yeah, but I didn't like how it ended... with the inexplicable myth of the Guardian who lives on in the oceans. It just totally dissipates the impact of the show!

Recounting His goodness

2007-08-23T23:24:00.000+08:00

I went into year 3 alone, without any clinical group mates, trusting that it's God's will and that I'm literally "at His mercy". Which turned out to be REALLY good...

1) He's put me with Weiteen and Christelle in some postings already, and with friendly people, most of whom I can pray with in other postings. I'll be with Chris throughout the rest of years 3 & 4!!

2) He's given me good postings... NUH for Surgery, which coincided with the period of time when I needed to be down in school the most for Crusade activities.

3) The next posting was AH, which is still nearby school, and has really good Medicine tutors. The admin's really bad and I heard that the Surgery posting had it really bad, but since there's a lot of reading to be done for Medicine, it's quite ok that I get posted here for Med despite AH's poor admin staff (who doesn't organise our tutorials at all but chucks us with a list of tutors for us to contact on our own). Some of my days are quite free too, so hopefully I can meet up with Prayer Committee, do more quiet time and reading and rest. Maybe even go to the gym. I think I do better reading up on my own than tutorials. Tutorials should only be for actual clinical stuff, not theoretical stuff, for me at least. So this arrangement at AH suits me perfectly!

4) I got about the best tutor for Medicine in AH as my principal tutor!!

5) God helps me make the fullest use of my time. Sometimes, my group mates ended waiting for 30 min or so for a tutor while I got to see other stuff like 2 scopes, because I chose to go for that thing instead. Then when I came back I was just in time for the tutor!

6) He makes up for the times when I'm weak. Some nights, I go to sleep crying because of some issues He's bringing to light for me. I told Him that I really didn't wanna go to school the next day. I woke up at 9 plus in the morning, missed ward rounds (thankfully, for that week, the picky tutors went on leave so I could skip ward rounds, which I found to be quite unhelpful). I looked at my phone and saw an SMS telling me that the tutorial at 10am was postponed to 11am. So I was still in time for school. Anyway, I STILL got there late, at 11.15am, and the tutor decided to cancel the tutorial after all.

7) Another time, I was praying with James and Joel, and was late for the tutorial by 15 min. But the tutor who is almost always early (and who happens to be one of my favourite tutors at NUH Surg) happened to be late, so I wasn't officially late!

8) On Tuesday, I was having quiet time in school and started out for the student lounge a tad bit too late (because I didn't realise it was so far). I hurried to the ward just in time to see my tutorial group go in. They were delayed cos they were waiting for the tutor outside and the tutor was waiting for them inside (he's that really good tutor in AH and he's NEVER late). So I hurry in and stick my head into the group JUST in time to hear him call out my name! So I was just in time to respond to him!

In short, God's been totally watching out for me every step that I take. There're many more incidents than these, just that they're harder to describe. They include how I chanced upon a really good tutorial on an inguinal hernia, how I clerked 2 really good cases just before they got discharged, etc... Things just really fall into place for me, so things have been really great for the transition to clinical postings, much contrary to most people's experiences.

Which Transformer are you?

2007-08-19T21:16:00.000+08:00

From bluestraggler =D

I AM
81%
OPTIMUS PRIME Take the Transformers Quiz
Well, can't complain cos since I was this = tall I've liked him... I THINK he was my favourite transformer.

Still, I think he's boring. -_-

2007-08-17T23:34:00.000+08:00

Haven't had the time to blog in such a while! Or rather, for the rare times I did, I had no inspiration whatsoever... or it was about personal stuff like the people in my life and I didn't wanna post for their own privacy too. Nor have I been keeping up with flist. Sorry guys!

Went to the NDP...

Had a coupon for some gym... apparently, free membership in August. BUT they so kindly and conveniently left out the part about time... which is worth SO MUCH MORE than money to me nowadays. Like pastor says, "Time is the essence of life." (He then proceeded to comment that people who like to "kill time" are actually killing themselves... to dissuade us from procrastination.)

So they took up FOUR HOURS of my life. Doing what? Showing me around a gym that ANY PASSERBY can easily look at (because it's all just glass!)... tsk-ing at my fitness profile (apparently, other people I know have received identical treatment)... asking me what price I'll be willing to pay for membership... and GOSH did this part take a really long time. The guy kept going off "to see his manager". AND, by the way, the guy tsk-ing at my fitness profile was so heavy a smoker I could smell it in his breath and I was trying not to choke. He was explaining to my friend how her arteries had a chance of being clogged up (by attempting to draw an atherosclerotic artery)... she incidentally has way-off-the-chart HDL levels, and at any rate, HIS arteries are gonna get clogged up first. Well, the fitness report and one or two lessons from the personal training session kinda salvaged the whole experience... although it wasn't barely enough for 4 hours. And I'm glad to know I've still got low blood pressure. Think & hope I got it from Dad. It was straight after exercise and 111/54. Why's the pulse pressure so large?

Had my surgical assessment on Tuesday. Like so many seniors assure us, no one fails. I missed out Parkinson's in my patient who presented with acute urinary retention. What a mess. But well, no one fails.

And then there're the 21st birthday parties... it's hard trying to think of meaningful gifts! I don't like just giving a mug, or a pendant that just becomes one of many to be chosen from... I'd like to give stuff like books (that can be life-changing), or a portrait. But oh well. Don't always know the reading preferences of the birthday person.

Somehow, I feel I've adopted a terribly bimbotic tone for this post. Must be to make up for the really weighty private post I made yesterday.

Why I Pray

2007-08-09T16:44:00.001+08:00

Over the past few weeks, I've been struggling with my prayer during group sessions and with people. Somehow, I've felt like my group prayers had been getting stale and boxed up... like somehow I was always repeating the same things. Well, those WERE the things I really wanted to see and believed in, but they might not have been the things I really wanted to pray then, and I was praying those things almost for the sake of the group... This was because a lot of the prayer that I wanted to pour out of my heart were too personal and inappropriate for the group.

Even Evan & Ann could sense it.

But I learnt that we keep praying
... not because our prayers are good and eloquent and growing, but because it pleases Him.
... because we are commanded and encouraged to persevere.
... not because He doesn't know, but because He knows.

And I had to remind myself that some of my most powerful prayers were when I was the least eloquent... when all I could utter was just a word or maybe not even anything, but cry.

On Call With God

2007-08-01T00:00:00.000+08:00

Over this week, I've really begun to feel the stresses of clinicals weighing down on me... more specifically, weighing down on my ideals. I wanna spend time with God... I wanna grow in my personal intercessory life... I wanna serve in the roles God has called me to serve in... I wanna see this revival happen because that's what He wants... I wanna spend time with my friends & family, I wanna rest... and yet medical studies have just demanded and demanded and demanded my time and my energy. On the absolute scale, it's possible to do all these AND still do ok in my studies. But I also need time to watch movies (cos if God were my boyfriend He wouldn't just demand I spend all my time at His place... He'd bring me to DO THINGS with Him eg. bowling)... to STONE... to lie in bed and do nothing but let my thoughts wander, much like a child at play, because that brings about a different sort of productivity. In short, I also need time to do things I find ridiculous to even try to justify.

But I was reassured today that God knows my heart and He knows my need. He commanded the Sabbath to be a rest day. It's as much a commandment as, "You shall not murder." And like the people who were gathering manna, those who gathered more had none left over, and those who gathered less had no lack. [Whether you have sufficient, or how you do in the exams, is not really linked to how much you study.] If they tried keeping anything for the next day, it rotted. [Depend only on God... don't rest your security on how much studying or knowledge you've hoarded.] If they tried gathering on the Sabbath, there was nothing. Instead, what they'd gathered the day before, God made sufficient for the Sabbath. [Rest no matter what. God will make provisions, because He knows it's a need of yours.]

And medicine is a wonderful opportunity for me to really depend on God... to lean my whole weight on Him. I realise I've not consulted Him on every little thing. I've not depended on Him enough. I should really take the chance to ask Him... When should I study? What should I study? Should I go for clinics now? Or operating theatre? Or should I go clerk a patient? Which patient should I clerk? How should I prepare for the next tutorial? Lord, what needs does this patient have? Lord, is there any question I forgot to ask while taking history? I don't know what I'm feeling in this patient's abdomen Lord... what is it? Lord, what's the diagnosis? Lord, is there anything I missed out?

Also, I said I wanna grow in my personal intercession. I think whenever I think I'm 'wasting' my time, like in an operating room, not able to see the actual surgery (cos there're usually too many surgeons standing around), with no one to explain things and nothing to do, I should start interceding for the ministry, for people, for my family, relatives and friends, for NUS, for Crusade, for my church, for Singapore, for the nations, etc... I could really stand to grow in this area.

And I've really decided to pray for this... since God knows all the exam cases I'll ever get, even until my MBBS... no, past that if relevant... and since it's so impossible to cover all grounds in medicine while trying to be a full-time Christian (which includes resting!), I'll ask Him to really make good everything I study and all the tutorials I attend... that I cover the case and the answer to the questions in the vivas one way or another... at least the important questions required for confidence... or the questions that would be a direct fail if you answer wrongly.

Finally, the last thing I reflected on during today's prayer... God gives and takes away. When some friends can't be around for me because they're going through a tough time themselves and need supporting, He'll always provide others to support me.